Ugh. Yesterday was so perfect. And today is so NOT. And I'm so sick of it.
Nothing is easy. Especially not this. It's not even just, 'we'll change your meds and you'll be fine' thing anymore. It's, "well, you'll have to come back to the hospital every so often for this one med, then we can put you on the other one, and we'll see how it goes.' (Well, actually the doc is still saying that, 'you'll be fine' bullshit but I didn't believe her when it first happened and I certainly don't believe her now.) Then, she tries to sugarcoat everything by saying the results of the biopsy were fine, nothing but those ulcers by my incision sight. Well, excuse me for thinking that those ulcers are more than enough for me to handle right now. In addition, now I have to go to CHOP for a certain time period, just because the insurance people are fighting with us?! I don't live in Philly, hell I don't even live in PA! It's gonna be a God damn 2 hour drive in, probably at least a half hour of waiting once I get there, get stuck with an IV and be pumped medicine in me for ?2 hours? (I heard talk of 2 hours when my mom was on the phone with the doc but am not exactly sure what it pertained to), and then another 2 hour drive back. And it has some crazy time schedule too. Something like once a week for the first 3 weeks, then every 2 for some odd amount of time, then after 2 months, then six months..............then the expensive drug.
I'm so damn tired of this shit. This give and take, push and pull, happy one day and crashing for the next week. This is not right. This shouldn't even be happening now, dammit!
Crap, this could have been thrown at someone 100x stronger than I am. Not that I wish this on anyone, no one on the face of the earth deserves this shit, but why me? I'm not Lance Armstrong, dammit. I'm not strong, I'm not brave, I couldn't handle it before, I can't handle it now, and I never will be able to handle it. I'm not an optimistic person. I'm not someone who can just say, 'oh everything will be fine, I can fight through this, it'll all work out in the end' no matter how much I wanna be. I try.........God dammit I REALLY try...............but every time I do start thinking like that something will happen to bring me back down, or my mind just doesn't let me keep that attitude long.
I've been living a gigantic lie for two years. Thinking that this would all just disappear except for a recheck every 6 months and actually trying to enjoy my life. No. This NEVER goes away. It is and will ALWAYS be there. There will always be something. Ugh.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Trileptal
Smash. Smash. Smash. Smash. Smash. Smash. Smash. Crash. Crash. Crash. Crash. Crash. Crash. Crash. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Boom. Booom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Pow. Pow. Pow. Pow. Pow. Pow. Pow. Snap. Snap. Snap. Snap. Snap. Snap. Snap. Crack. Crack. Crack. Crack. Crack. Crack. Crack. Splat. Splat. Splat. Splat. Splat. Splat. Splat.
We'll that certainly helped. *eye-roll*
We'll that certainly helped. *eye-roll*
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Ramblings
Sitting here doing the same stuff I always do. In other words, a bunch of meaningless crap. It used to be a way that I could shut my mind up for a while, but not anymore. Hell, guitar used to be a way to shut my mind up too but that doesn't work anymore either. In fact, it stopped working before all these computer distractions did. I don't know what to do about guitar anymore. It's lasted all of 6 months so far, and I absolutely loved it at first, but now its not the same. Nothing's the same.
Everything has turned from, 'I'm gonna do this because I want to,' into 'I have to do this because its the only way I can get by without losing my fucking mind'. I think that's a lost cause though, I think I've already lost my mind. Even days when I have a blast all day with friends and/or family, I come home and crash. There's nothing holding me here anymore.
Even the things I thought I would always love and would never change, have.
1) Writing.
I've been a writer since 5th grade....well I was kinda sucky then but I mean I've loved it since then. That was 6 years ago.....been evolving in it, continuing with it, developing more ideas, and getting better at ever since. How could something you've been doing for 6 years, been passionate about for 6 years, has given your life meaning for 6 years, suddenly turn around and not mean anything? I'm not even sure why I continue writing. I guess it's because I've been told that I'm good at it and I have people who prod me about what I've written lately. I don't mind the prodding, it doesn't really affect me one way or another. It just kinda makes me write, but not sooner than I can make myself. I guess I enjoy it when I'm doing it.....but it's such a miniscule and short-lived high. Once I'm done with a passage of something I don't really even feel good about it. I just sorta feel like, 'that took longer than expected' or 'crap that was so much work'. It drains me, most of the time. The last thing I worte and really actually enjoyed every second of it was 'Jailhouse Rockers', which I wrote exactly 1 month ago. I've written 3 other passages to something else since then and I've basically just been 'eh' about them. 4 writings in a month....I used to do more than that. It's just not the same and it kills me.
2) Music
I've had a good number of music related obsessions. The first few didn't last really that long (Wicked, Moulin Rouge!, Legally Blonde...etc.). I still enjoy the tunes if I hear them, but I really haven't given them much thought since....last year. It's closing on exactly one year ago that I truly discovered Goo. I do like that, in about a week it'll be my one year Gooeyversary. I even bought myself a little Gooeyversary present, the Music in High Places Alaska DVD. It should be here right around my first Goo CDs' arrival. Well, anyway, that's a thrill but it's still just a tiny one. I remember how Goo made me feel when I first got LLI and SSCW (Well, I bought them at the same time but it's really just LLI that stuck with me at first. It took me a while to warm up to SSCW). I felt everything that was hiding inside of me. John's words touched my soul and they literally became my life for at least 6 months. Yeah, I mean my ENTIRE life. I didn't listen to anything else, I didn't buy anything unrelated to them, not one thought in my head didn't have some relation to them, all the dreams that stuck in my memory were about them (I've had 8 gooey dreams in total, the latest one just last night), I couldn't have a conversation with someone without turning the subject to them, and so on and so on. Well, I still like them and I still LOVE John but even they're different now. I really haven't listened to them in a long time. Waiting for their new album isn't even the same. I'm beginning to care less and less about it each day. Huh, I guess they were really just another distraction in my life and even they've lost their touch.
AVA too. I've only been a fan of them for like a month and a half but I was so hardcore when I first got into them. I've said before that I thought I enjoy them because they give me hope rather than make me face my past. Well, actually it really is a little of both. But now, that hope part has died. I've acknowledged it as false hope. I can't even sing anymore. I think about the lyrics and pick them apart and realize I'm never going to feel the way he does. There's nothing out there that I could create my life around that will truly make me happy. "It's all success if it's what you need/Do what you like and do it honestly" What do I need? What do I like? Apparently nothing anymore. AVA's playing in the background as I type but I'm not listening to it, not really. It fills my ears but I don't really process it, don't really FEEL it. It's just there to keep me from 'feeling the silence' becuase when I do that I go 'smash.'
Why do I even do this? It doesn't make me feel better, it doesn't get me anywhere. *sigh* I thought there was a solution on the horizon but I can't even have much faith in that anymore. This is all so deep, so profound, so suffocating, so daunting, what could possibly kill it from my mind? Everything that used to doesn't any longer. The first thing I tried to stop it hasn't worked. Why should anything else I attempt?
I don't know what to say anymore. I just DON'T KNOW. anything. Whatever. Oh well. I guess that's my release for today. Though I don't really see a point to it. *sigh*
Everything has turned from, 'I'm gonna do this because I want to,' into 'I have to do this because its the only way I can get by without losing my fucking mind'. I think that's a lost cause though, I think I've already lost my mind. Even days when I have a blast all day with friends and/or family, I come home and crash. There's nothing holding me here anymore.
Even the things I thought I would always love and would never change, have.
1) Writing.
I've been a writer since 5th grade....well I was kinda sucky then but I mean I've loved it since then. That was 6 years ago.....been evolving in it, continuing with it, developing more ideas, and getting better at ever since. How could something you've been doing for 6 years, been passionate about for 6 years, has given your life meaning for 6 years, suddenly turn around and not mean anything? I'm not even sure why I continue writing. I guess it's because I've been told that I'm good at it and I have people who prod me about what I've written lately. I don't mind the prodding, it doesn't really affect me one way or another. It just kinda makes me write, but not sooner than I can make myself. I guess I enjoy it when I'm doing it.....but it's such a miniscule and short-lived high. Once I'm done with a passage of something I don't really even feel good about it. I just sorta feel like, 'that took longer than expected' or 'crap that was so much work'. It drains me, most of the time. The last thing I worte and really actually enjoyed every second of it was 'Jailhouse Rockers', which I wrote exactly 1 month ago. I've written 3 other passages to something else since then and I've basically just been 'eh' about them. 4 writings in a month....I used to do more than that. It's just not the same and it kills me.
2) Music
I've had a good number of music related obsessions. The first few didn't last really that long (Wicked, Moulin Rouge!, Legally Blonde...etc.). I still enjoy the tunes if I hear them, but I really haven't given them much thought since....last year. It's closing on exactly one year ago that I truly discovered Goo. I do like that, in about a week it'll be my one year Gooeyversary. I even bought myself a little Gooeyversary present, the Music in High Places Alaska DVD. It should be here right around my first Goo CDs' arrival. Well, anyway, that's a thrill but it's still just a tiny one. I remember how Goo made me feel when I first got LLI and SSCW (Well, I bought them at the same time but it's really just LLI that stuck with me at first. It took me a while to warm up to SSCW). I felt everything that was hiding inside of me. John's words touched my soul and they literally became my life for at least 6 months. Yeah, I mean my ENTIRE life. I didn't listen to anything else, I didn't buy anything unrelated to them, not one thought in my head didn't have some relation to them, all the dreams that stuck in my memory were about them (I've had 8 gooey dreams in total, the latest one just last night), I couldn't have a conversation with someone without turning the subject to them, and so on and so on. Well, I still like them and I still LOVE John but even they're different now. I really haven't listened to them in a long time. Waiting for their new album isn't even the same. I'm beginning to care less and less about it each day. Huh, I guess they were really just another distraction in my life and even they've lost their touch.
AVA too. I've only been a fan of them for like a month and a half but I was so hardcore when I first got into them. I've said before that I thought I enjoy them because they give me hope rather than make me face my past. Well, actually it really is a little of both. But now, that hope part has died. I've acknowledged it as false hope. I can't even sing anymore. I think about the lyrics and pick them apart and realize I'm never going to feel the way he does. There's nothing out there that I could create my life around that will truly make me happy. "It's all success if it's what you need/Do what you like and do it honestly" What do I need? What do I like? Apparently nothing anymore. AVA's playing in the background as I type but I'm not listening to it, not really. It fills my ears but I don't really process it, don't really FEEL it. It's just there to keep me from 'feeling the silence' becuase when I do that I go 'smash.'
Why do I even do this? It doesn't make me feel better, it doesn't get me anywhere. *sigh* I thought there was a solution on the horizon but I can't even have much faith in that anymore. This is all so deep, so profound, so suffocating, so daunting, what could possibly kill it from my mind? Everything that used to doesn't any longer. The first thing I tried to stop it hasn't worked. Why should anything else I attempt?
I don't know what to say anymore. I just DON'T KNOW. anything. Whatever. Oh well. I guess that's my release for today. Though I don't really see a point to it. *sigh*
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Suffering...
I stayed up last night until 2AM crying my eyes out. Now today, I'm exhausted, mostly numb, and close to a breaking point. I just have one question I've been asking myself for a little while today...
What happens to you when you start to suffer in silecnce to spare everyone else?
What happens to you when you start to suffer in silecnce to spare everyone else?
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Musical Philosophy
Ok, I can't sleep, I need something to do, and I've just been thinking about this for a while today so I thought I'd rant about it to get it out of my system. Music. I LOVE it. I think, though, if you ask anyone in the entire world they will the same thing. Because you're not asking about a particular style or artist, just do you like music? How many types of music are even out there in the world? Too many to count, there's no way that anyone could say that they hate every and all music, it's practically impossible.
Anyway, back to the point, why do we like the music we like? I've been trying to figure this out, I can't really say for sure though, not even for myself really. Ok, I'm from NJ and I have this friend who has also lived in NJ all her life yet she's a huge country music fan (I mean, it's not all she listens to but it's a big portion of her music total). I have another friend, who's a teenager, but does not like any modern music like in the least, he's a classical fan. Me? A mix of like rock/pop/alternative/punk. I have a hard time defining the music I'm into. PAIN basically, if the artist has a lot of PAIN and writes really honestly I can dig it.........I think...........
See, now there are different reasons I like certain artists, as far as I can analyze it that is. There are the bands/artists who I, basically, enjoy for the beats of their songs (IE: The Fray, Lifehouse, Blink 182, Box Car Racer, Ryan Cabrera, Kelly Clarkson, so on and so on....). Now I love these guys a lot but it's different than the others that I like. I mean they each have their songs that especially reach out to me in terms of lyrics: TF: You Found Me and Over My Head, LH: Broken and Disarray, B182: Adam's Song, Stockholm Syndrome, Here's You Letter, and a few others, BCR: I Feel So and Letters to God, RC: In Between Lights, KC: Judas; but those are about it from each. Now, don't get me wrong, I really enjoy a ton of their other songs, but more on a 'this has a great sound' rather than 'those words really speak to me'. I have other bands for that......
Now, this is why I started thinking about this, I have my 2 ABSOLUTE FAVORITE 99.99999% POSITIVE WILL NEVER DIE bands. These are #2: Angels & Airwaves #1: The Goo Goo Dolls. Here's why I began contemplating this music thing: WHY ARE BOTH OF THESE BANDS MY FAVORITES????!!!!! They really are VERY VERY VERY contrasting. I was trying to figure out how this works out in my life and here's what I came up with.
First of all, Goo. GOO ROCKS, HARD! Now, I'm not going to lie, I'm a giganto obzezzive, truthfully I've really only gotten into Robby songs lately due to talking with other fans, but John is still ahead. I know why I like John (besides voice wise) so much though, it's those lyrics. Talk about a PAIN. John's lyrics bring back to mind that time in my life I hate and regret so much. That's why I love it, I can really feel myself and relate to the words even though I know and understand he's talking about different things, the same feelings are still there. That's why people irk me when they're really focused on why someone wrote a song. Yes, that is a part of it's beauty and it's important in it's own way, but it's not everything. Give yourselves some credit people, what does the song mean to you? In the long run what does it matter, in your own life, why someone else wrote the song? Words aren't absolute....what it meant to the composer and what you hear in the words and music can be two very different things. You're not the composer of the songs you listen to and so you haven't been through the same things they have but the words can still be very meaningful to you. Hard core example: Black Balloon. John wrote that about a friend he lost to a drug addiction.....that's a very sad and powerful thing and I feel for him, but it ain't the reason I love it so much. I've never had, really, anyone close to me die for any reason whatsoever, I know, I'm lucky, yet that piece still speaks volumes to me. I can't really describe it though, with a lot of his others it's plainly obvious but BB it's discreet. There's just something about it.......I FEEL it. So basically, all I really wanted to say here is that Goo brings back my past in a big way and helps me get my emotions out.
Then, there's AVA. If I was to compare them to Goo in any way, shape or form (which is pretty damn hard to do) I'd have to go with Let Love In. Yes, that's right, LLI, the album that basically any hardcore goober hates because it doesn't have the darker painful lyrics of the previous eras. I particularly happen to like LLI, it's not my fav but it's up there, but that's just me being the new odd-goo-ball that I am. Anyway, what I mean is that AVA has a more positive, happier, upbeat sound the way LLI Goo does. I mean even the one song I was expecting to be all hate filled when I first started listening to the lyrics, Rite of Spring, turns around in the chorus to this happy message! I was really surprised. Now, if you haven't noticed by now, withing myself I'm not that much of a happy person. So why do they mean so much to me? Yet, I know it's more than just the beat of the songs, it's a big part, but they wouldn't be my #2 band by 1/10th of a degree just on melody. There's something in the lyrics, and really I'm still trying to figure it out. The only thing I can think is that they give me hope....hope I really need right now. Do they make me think of my past, kinda but not really. They make me think ahead....maybe I can be happy even I've been through hell....maybe there is someone out there for me.....maybe I will end up being happy with what I do in life. I'm still not certain of these things, and the unknowns still taunt and torture me at night from time to time but AVA helps. I still can't agree with the Rite of Spring line, "If I had a chance for another try/I wouldn't change a thing/It's made me all who I am inside" I'd take back that stupid thing that happened in freshman year of high school, that was of no use to my life, in a freakin' heartbeat, yet I still love it. Like I said, I think it's the hope aspect of it. If Tom's been through all that he has and can still feel like that, maybe I can too one day. Maybe I can find my path and my soul mate and be happy forever and ever. Maybe.......KEEP MY HOPE ALIVE TOM AND AVA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The subject just intrigued me.
Anyway, back to the point, why do we like the music we like? I've been trying to figure this out, I can't really say for sure though, not even for myself really. Ok, I'm from NJ and I have this friend who has also lived in NJ all her life yet she's a huge country music fan (I mean, it's not all she listens to but it's a big portion of her music total). I have another friend, who's a teenager, but does not like any modern music like in the least, he's a classical fan. Me? A mix of like rock/pop/alternative/punk. I have a hard time defining the music I'm into. PAIN basically, if the artist has a lot of PAIN and writes really honestly I can dig it.........I think...........
See, now there are different reasons I like certain artists, as far as I can analyze it that is. There are the bands/artists who I, basically, enjoy for the beats of their songs (IE: The Fray, Lifehouse, Blink 182, Box Car Racer, Ryan Cabrera, Kelly Clarkson, so on and so on....). Now I love these guys a lot but it's different than the others that I like. I mean they each have their songs that especially reach out to me in terms of lyrics: TF: You Found Me and Over My Head, LH: Broken and Disarray, B182: Adam's Song, Stockholm Syndrome, Here's You Letter, and a few others, BCR: I Feel So and Letters to God, RC: In Between Lights, KC: Judas; but those are about it from each. Now, don't get me wrong, I really enjoy a ton of their other songs, but more on a 'this has a great sound' rather than 'those words really speak to me'. I have other bands for that......
Now, this is why I started thinking about this, I have my 2 ABSOLUTE FAVORITE 99.99999% POSITIVE WILL NEVER DIE bands. These are #2: Angels & Airwaves #1: The Goo Goo Dolls. Here's why I began contemplating this music thing: WHY ARE BOTH OF THESE BANDS MY FAVORITES????!!!!! They really are VERY VERY VERY contrasting. I was trying to figure out how this works out in my life and here's what I came up with.
First of all, Goo. GOO ROCKS, HARD! Now, I'm not going to lie, I'm a giganto obzezzive, truthfully I've really only gotten into Robby songs lately due to talking with other fans, but John is still ahead. I know why I like John (besides voice wise) so much though, it's those lyrics. Talk about a PAIN. John's lyrics bring back to mind that time in my life I hate and regret so much. That's why I love it, I can really feel myself and relate to the words even though I know and understand he's talking about different things, the same feelings are still there. That's why people irk me when they're really focused on why someone wrote a song. Yes, that is a part of it's beauty and it's important in it's own way, but it's not everything. Give yourselves some credit people, what does the song mean to you? In the long run what does it matter, in your own life, why someone else wrote the song? Words aren't absolute....what it meant to the composer and what you hear in the words and music can be two very different things. You're not the composer of the songs you listen to and so you haven't been through the same things they have but the words can still be very meaningful to you. Hard core example: Black Balloon. John wrote that about a friend he lost to a drug addiction.....that's a very sad and powerful thing and I feel for him, but it ain't the reason I love it so much. I've never had, really, anyone close to me die for any reason whatsoever, I know, I'm lucky, yet that piece still speaks volumes to me. I can't really describe it though, with a lot of his others it's plainly obvious but BB it's discreet. There's just something about it.......I FEEL it. So basically, all I really wanted to say here is that Goo brings back my past in a big way and helps me get my emotions out.
Then, there's AVA. If I was to compare them to Goo in any way, shape or form (which is pretty damn hard to do) I'd have to go with Let Love In. Yes, that's right, LLI, the album that basically any hardcore goober hates because it doesn't have the darker painful lyrics of the previous eras. I particularly happen to like LLI, it's not my fav but it's up there, but that's just me being the new odd-goo-ball that I am. Anyway, what I mean is that AVA has a more positive, happier, upbeat sound the way LLI Goo does. I mean even the one song I was expecting to be all hate filled when I first started listening to the lyrics, Rite of Spring, turns around in the chorus to this happy message! I was really surprised. Now, if you haven't noticed by now, withing myself I'm not that much of a happy person. So why do they mean so much to me? Yet, I know it's more than just the beat of the songs, it's a big part, but they wouldn't be my #2 band by 1/10th of a degree just on melody. There's something in the lyrics, and really I'm still trying to figure it out. The only thing I can think is that they give me hope....hope I really need right now. Do they make me think of my past, kinda but not really. They make me think ahead....maybe I can be happy even I've been through hell....maybe there is someone out there for me.....maybe I will end up being happy with what I do in life. I'm still not certain of these things, and the unknowns still taunt and torture me at night from time to time but AVA helps. I still can't agree with the Rite of Spring line, "If I had a chance for another try/I wouldn't change a thing/It's made me all who I am inside" I'd take back that stupid thing that happened in freshman year of high school, that was of no use to my life, in a freakin' heartbeat, yet I still love it. Like I said, I think it's the hope aspect of it. If Tom's been through all that he has and can still feel like that, maybe I can too one day. Maybe I can find my path and my soul mate and be happy forever and ever. Maybe.......KEEP MY HOPE ALIVE TOM AND AVA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The subject just intrigued me.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
Rite of Spring
Yeah, that's right, a song started this rave. For those of you who aren't Angels & Airwaves followers:
"I was locked all day, in the summer heat.
In a small brown house, in suburban street.
With a skateboard and my shit guitar
I’d dream all day that they would get me far
My dad would ask me about my grades
The asshole sports that I never played
And then I’d ask about the girls he’d date
Behind our backs when mom would stay up late
And it was near when I turned 16
Got kicked out of school and so it seemed
That things were closing in and ready to blow
My dad moved out about that year or so
It took an hour to start a punk rock band
To offset my fucked up family land
And as I held my mom would start to cry
I swore ourselves a better life
If I had a chance for another try, I wouldn't change a thing,
It’s made me all of who I am inside.
And if I could thank god, that I am here and that I am alive.
And everyday I wake, and tell myself a little harmless lie,
The whole wide world is mine.
The summers gone, the years have past
My friends have changed, a few did last.
The smallest dreams got pushed aside
For the largest ones that changed my life
And all I wish for has come to pass
From rock n roll to love and cash
It’s all success if its what you need
Do what you like and do it honestly
If I had a chance for another try, I wouldn't change a thing,
It’s made me all of who I am inside.
And if I could thank god, that I am here and that I am alive.
And everyday I wake, and tell myself a little harmless lie,
The whole wide world is mine.
If I had a chance for another try, I wouldn't change a thing,
It’s made me all of who I am inside.
And if I could thank god, that I am here and that I am alive.
And everyday I wake, and tell myself a little harmless lie,
The whole wide world is mine. "
I've become a hardcore A&A fan ever since I found their video for "Everything's Magic" on youtube. This has to be one of my favorites but I hate that I love it so much. Well, I don't hate that I love it, I just feel like a hypocrite for loving it. First of all, I hear all the crap that Tom went through in his life and, as whenever I hear about someone who has a crappier life that I do, I HATE myself for feeling the way I do. Listen to how fucking positive he is. God. I'm such a mess.
Secondly, "If I had a chance for another try, I wouldn't change a thing/It's made me all who I am inside" I WISH WISH WISH I could say the same. If I could change my life I would do it in A FUCKING HEARTBEAT!!!!!! I agree, everything that happened then has made me what I am today, but what is that? I don't want to be like this, I want to actually enjoy life every once in a while. Why is this so hard???!!
Thirdly, "If I could thank God that I am here and that I am alive" I'm not even sure if I even believe in God. I believe there's something out there, some ultimate driving force, but I don't think it's the Roman Catholic God. Also, how many times to I wish for an end? At any cost. Thank God that I'm alive, hah. I've asked him to kill me often, he doesn't listen.
Then, "It's all success if it's what you need/Do what you like and do it honestly" I want that to be true. I hate not knowing about my future. For so long I was SO sure I wanted to be a zookeeper but for practically my entire life my mother did nothing but shoot it down. It's hard to keep trying for something that your getting nothing but negative feedback for. So now it's psychology, but is that what I want? Is that what I need? Is it honest? I have no idea. Then there are my dreams: author or musician/vocalist. The dreams you can't rely on. My heart screams for them but my head yells back, "SHUT UP!!" What do I do? Throw myself into my writing and/or music and wait for it to pay off. Who says either ever would? Am I just supposed to starve myself until it does? Am I a strong enough person to live that life? I have no idea what I want or what is the right thing to do. I look to my future and just see...nothing.
I rambling. This is pure stream of consciousness, it probably makes no sense but I'm doing it either way. This hasn't happened in a while. I've had little tear come out every now and then but this bawling hasn't occurred since about Easter break. I've felt like this ever since, I've just had it more under control. I went on birth control to stop this, it hasn't worked, and so it's just another pill I have to take everyday of my fucking life, only this one has no purpose. I told my mother how I felt and that I wanted to see a psychologist again back in April and I still won't have seen one until Wednesday. Even then, it's every other week until the summer and I don't know if that's going to work.
I used to believe in love, I don't anymore. I haven't known anyone who hasn't had love cause nothing but problems for them, or if they don't ave problems is not real true love; they're just together because they feel they have to even if they can't stand each other. That sucks because I want it so much and I just don't believe that it exists anymore. I'm absolutely alone and I always will be. I mean yeah, right now I have Colleen and I love her and need her so much but she's only with me so much and I really doubt that we can stay together after high school. I know we'll try but if we go to different colleges, take different careers, how can we not go our separate ways. I'm so fucking terrified for that because once she's gone I know I'll REALLY be absolutely alone again and I can't bear that.
If God does exist I don't understand him. I don't understand the Roman Catholic beliefs either. They're so contradicting. They say God loves and forgives everyone. Well, if He loves everyone so much why did he flood the world? If he is so capable of forgiveness why does Hell even exist? I don't understand why he'd put people on earth either. I mean, it would be one thing if people actually enjoyed life but it's extremely rare to find someone who's really truly happy. I guess these are just my opinions but this is really how I view the world. People are constantly thrust with loss, pain, and discomfort it just always seems like the bad outweighs the good. Are we a joke to him? What did he think, "Let me create people so they can suffer and destroy and I can sit back and laugh at their calamity." If God does exist I personally have some spite against him.
What would people, not anyone really close to me just people in general, think of me if they ever read any of this? I know, they'd either try to send me into a mental institution or take pity on me. I hate that, I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I want them to just listen and try to help, or just try to understand. But that can't happen. No one can understand. They're not me and they never will be. That's why I'm alone and always will be.
"I was locked all day, in the summer heat.
In a small brown house, in suburban street.
With a skateboard and my shit guitar
I’d dream all day that they would get me far
My dad would ask me about my grades
The asshole sports that I never played
And then I’d ask about the girls he’d date
Behind our backs when mom would stay up late
And it was near when I turned 16
Got kicked out of school and so it seemed
That things were closing in and ready to blow
My dad moved out about that year or so
It took an hour to start a punk rock band
To offset my fucked up family land
And as I held my mom would start to cry
I swore ourselves a better life
If I had a chance for another try, I wouldn't change a thing,
It’s made me all of who I am inside.
And if I could thank god, that I am here and that I am alive.
And everyday I wake, and tell myself a little harmless lie,
The whole wide world is mine.
The summers gone, the years have past
My friends have changed, a few did last.
The smallest dreams got pushed aside
For the largest ones that changed my life
And all I wish for has come to pass
From rock n roll to love and cash
It’s all success if its what you need
Do what you like and do it honestly
If I had a chance for another try, I wouldn't change a thing,
It’s made me all of who I am inside.
And if I could thank god, that I am here and that I am alive.
And everyday I wake, and tell myself a little harmless lie,
The whole wide world is mine.
If I had a chance for another try, I wouldn't change a thing,
It’s made me all of who I am inside.
And if I could thank god, that I am here and that I am alive.
And everyday I wake, and tell myself a little harmless lie,
The whole wide world is mine. "
I've become a hardcore A&A fan ever since I found their video for "Everything's Magic" on youtube. This has to be one of my favorites but I hate that I love it so much. Well, I don't hate that I love it, I just feel like a hypocrite for loving it. First of all, I hear all the crap that Tom went through in his life and, as whenever I hear about someone who has a crappier life that I do, I HATE myself for feeling the way I do. Listen to how fucking positive he is. God. I'm such a mess.
Secondly, "If I had a chance for another try, I wouldn't change a thing/It's made me all who I am inside" I WISH WISH WISH I could say the same. If I could change my life I would do it in A FUCKING HEARTBEAT!!!!!! I agree, everything that happened then has made me what I am today, but what is that? I don't want to be like this, I want to actually enjoy life every once in a while. Why is this so hard???!!
Thirdly, "If I could thank God that I am here and that I am alive" I'm not even sure if I even believe in God. I believe there's something out there, some ultimate driving force, but I don't think it's the Roman Catholic God. Also, how many times to I wish for an end? At any cost. Thank God that I'm alive, hah. I've asked him to kill me often, he doesn't listen.
Then, "It's all success if it's what you need/Do what you like and do it honestly" I want that to be true. I hate not knowing about my future. For so long I was SO sure I wanted to be a zookeeper but for practically my entire life my mother did nothing but shoot it down. It's hard to keep trying for something that your getting nothing but negative feedback for. So now it's psychology, but is that what I want? Is that what I need? Is it honest? I have no idea. Then there are my dreams: author or musician/vocalist. The dreams you can't rely on. My heart screams for them but my head yells back, "SHUT UP!!" What do I do? Throw myself into my writing and/or music and wait for it to pay off. Who says either ever would? Am I just supposed to starve myself until it does? Am I a strong enough person to live that life? I have no idea what I want or what is the right thing to do. I look to my future and just see...nothing.
I rambling. This is pure stream of consciousness, it probably makes no sense but I'm doing it either way. This hasn't happened in a while. I've had little tear come out every now and then but this bawling hasn't occurred since about Easter break. I've felt like this ever since, I've just had it more under control. I went on birth control to stop this, it hasn't worked, and so it's just another pill I have to take everyday of my fucking life, only this one has no purpose. I told my mother how I felt and that I wanted to see a psychologist again back in April and I still won't have seen one until Wednesday. Even then, it's every other week until the summer and I don't know if that's going to work.
I used to believe in love, I don't anymore. I haven't known anyone who hasn't had love cause nothing but problems for them, or if they don't ave problems is not real true love; they're just together because they feel they have to even if they can't stand each other. That sucks because I want it so much and I just don't believe that it exists anymore. I'm absolutely alone and I always will be. I mean yeah, right now I have Colleen and I love her and need her so much but she's only with me so much and I really doubt that we can stay together after high school. I know we'll try but if we go to different colleges, take different careers, how can we not go our separate ways. I'm so fucking terrified for that because once she's gone I know I'll REALLY be absolutely alone again and I can't bear that.
If God does exist I don't understand him. I don't understand the Roman Catholic beliefs either. They're so contradicting. They say God loves and forgives everyone. Well, if He loves everyone so much why did he flood the world? If he is so capable of forgiveness why does Hell even exist? I don't understand why he'd put people on earth either. I mean, it would be one thing if people actually enjoyed life but it's extremely rare to find someone who's really truly happy. I guess these are just my opinions but this is really how I view the world. People are constantly thrust with loss, pain, and discomfort it just always seems like the bad outweighs the good. Are we a joke to him? What did he think, "Let me create people so they can suffer and destroy and I can sit back and laugh at their calamity." If God does exist I personally have some spite against him.
What would people, not anyone really close to me just people in general, think of me if they ever read any of this? I know, they'd either try to send me into a mental institution or take pity on me. I hate that, I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I want them to just listen and try to help, or just try to understand. But that can't happen. No one can understand. They're not me and they never will be. That's why I'm alone and always will be.
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