Smash. Smash. Smash. Smash. Smash. Smash. Smash. Crash. Crash. Crash. Crash. Crash. Crash. Crash. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Boom. Booom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Pow. Pow. Pow. Pow. Pow. Pow. Pow. Snap. Snap. Snap. Snap. Snap. Snap. Snap. Crack. Crack. Crack. Crack. Crack. Crack. Crack. Splat. Splat. Splat. Splat. Splat. Splat. Splat.
We'll that certainly helped. *eye-roll*
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Ramblings
Sitting here doing the same stuff I always do. In other words, a bunch of meaningless crap. It used to be a way that I could shut my mind up for a while, but not anymore. Hell, guitar used to be a way to shut my mind up too but that doesn't work anymore either. In fact, it stopped working before all these computer distractions did. I don't know what to do about guitar anymore. It's lasted all of 6 months so far, and I absolutely loved it at first, but now its not the same. Nothing's the same.
Everything has turned from, 'I'm gonna do this because I want to,' into 'I have to do this because its the only way I can get by without losing my fucking mind'. I think that's a lost cause though, I think I've already lost my mind. Even days when I have a blast all day with friends and/or family, I come home and crash. There's nothing holding me here anymore.
Even the things I thought I would always love and would never change, have.
1) Writing.
I've been a writer since 5th grade....well I was kinda sucky then but I mean I've loved it since then. That was 6 years ago.....been evolving in it, continuing with it, developing more ideas, and getting better at ever since. How could something you've been doing for 6 years, been passionate about for 6 years, has given your life meaning for 6 years, suddenly turn around and not mean anything? I'm not even sure why I continue writing. I guess it's because I've been told that I'm good at it and I have people who prod me about what I've written lately. I don't mind the prodding, it doesn't really affect me one way or another. It just kinda makes me write, but not sooner than I can make myself. I guess I enjoy it when I'm doing it.....but it's such a miniscule and short-lived high. Once I'm done with a passage of something I don't really even feel good about it. I just sorta feel like, 'that took longer than expected' or 'crap that was so much work'. It drains me, most of the time. The last thing I worte and really actually enjoyed every second of it was 'Jailhouse Rockers', which I wrote exactly 1 month ago. I've written 3 other passages to something else since then and I've basically just been 'eh' about them. 4 writings in a month....I used to do more than that. It's just not the same and it kills me.
2) Music
I've had a good number of music related obsessions. The first few didn't last really that long (Wicked, Moulin Rouge!, Legally Blonde...etc.). I still enjoy the tunes if I hear them, but I really haven't given them much thought since....last year. It's closing on exactly one year ago that I truly discovered Goo. I do like that, in about a week it'll be my one year Gooeyversary. I even bought myself a little Gooeyversary present, the Music in High Places Alaska DVD. It should be here right around my first Goo CDs' arrival. Well, anyway, that's a thrill but it's still just a tiny one. I remember how Goo made me feel when I first got LLI and SSCW (Well, I bought them at the same time but it's really just LLI that stuck with me at first. It took me a while to warm up to SSCW). I felt everything that was hiding inside of me. John's words touched my soul and they literally became my life for at least 6 months. Yeah, I mean my ENTIRE life. I didn't listen to anything else, I didn't buy anything unrelated to them, not one thought in my head didn't have some relation to them, all the dreams that stuck in my memory were about them (I've had 8 gooey dreams in total, the latest one just last night), I couldn't have a conversation with someone without turning the subject to them, and so on and so on. Well, I still like them and I still LOVE John but even they're different now. I really haven't listened to them in a long time. Waiting for their new album isn't even the same. I'm beginning to care less and less about it each day. Huh, I guess they were really just another distraction in my life and even they've lost their touch.
AVA too. I've only been a fan of them for like a month and a half but I was so hardcore when I first got into them. I've said before that I thought I enjoy them because they give me hope rather than make me face my past. Well, actually it really is a little of both. But now, that hope part has died. I've acknowledged it as false hope. I can't even sing anymore. I think about the lyrics and pick them apart and realize I'm never going to feel the way he does. There's nothing out there that I could create my life around that will truly make me happy. "It's all success if it's what you need/Do what you like and do it honestly" What do I need? What do I like? Apparently nothing anymore. AVA's playing in the background as I type but I'm not listening to it, not really. It fills my ears but I don't really process it, don't really FEEL it. It's just there to keep me from 'feeling the silence' becuase when I do that I go 'smash.'
Why do I even do this? It doesn't make me feel better, it doesn't get me anywhere. *sigh* I thought there was a solution on the horizon but I can't even have much faith in that anymore. This is all so deep, so profound, so suffocating, so daunting, what could possibly kill it from my mind? Everything that used to doesn't any longer. The first thing I tried to stop it hasn't worked. Why should anything else I attempt?
I don't know what to say anymore. I just DON'T KNOW. anything. Whatever. Oh well. I guess that's my release for today. Though I don't really see a point to it. *sigh*
Everything has turned from, 'I'm gonna do this because I want to,' into 'I have to do this because its the only way I can get by without losing my fucking mind'. I think that's a lost cause though, I think I've already lost my mind. Even days when I have a blast all day with friends and/or family, I come home and crash. There's nothing holding me here anymore.
Even the things I thought I would always love and would never change, have.
1) Writing.
I've been a writer since 5th grade....well I was kinda sucky then but I mean I've loved it since then. That was 6 years ago.....been evolving in it, continuing with it, developing more ideas, and getting better at ever since. How could something you've been doing for 6 years, been passionate about for 6 years, has given your life meaning for 6 years, suddenly turn around and not mean anything? I'm not even sure why I continue writing. I guess it's because I've been told that I'm good at it and I have people who prod me about what I've written lately. I don't mind the prodding, it doesn't really affect me one way or another. It just kinda makes me write, but not sooner than I can make myself. I guess I enjoy it when I'm doing it.....but it's such a miniscule and short-lived high. Once I'm done with a passage of something I don't really even feel good about it. I just sorta feel like, 'that took longer than expected' or 'crap that was so much work'. It drains me, most of the time. The last thing I worte and really actually enjoyed every second of it was 'Jailhouse Rockers', which I wrote exactly 1 month ago. I've written 3 other passages to something else since then and I've basically just been 'eh' about them. 4 writings in a month....I used to do more than that. It's just not the same and it kills me.
2) Music
I've had a good number of music related obsessions. The first few didn't last really that long (Wicked, Moulin Rouge!, Legally Blonde...etc.). I still enjoy the tunes if I hear them, but I really haven't given them much thought since....last year. It's closing on exactly one year ago that I truly discovered Goo. I do like that, in about a week it'll be my one year Gooeyversary. I even bought myself a little Gooeyversary present, the Music in High Places Alaska DVD. It should be here right around my first Goo CDs' arrival. Well, anyway, that's a thrill but it's still just a tiny one. I remember how Goo made me feel when I first got LLI and SSCW (Well, I bought them at the same time but it's really just LLI that stuck with me at first. It took me a while to warm up to SSCW). I felt everything that was hiding inside of me. John's words touched my soul and they literally became my life for at least 6 months. Yeah, I mean my ENTIRE life. I didn't listen to anything else, I didn't buy anything unrelated to them, not one thought in my head didn't have some relation to them, all the dreams that stuck in my memory were about them (I've had 8 gooey dreams in total, the latest one just last night), I couldn't have a conversation with someone without turning the subject to them, and so on and so on. Well, I still like them and I still LOVE John but even they're different now. I really haven't listened to them in a long time. Waiting for their new album isn't even the same. I'm beginning to care less and less about it each day. Huh, I guess they were really just another distraction in my life and even they've lost their touch.
AVA too. I've only been a fan of them for like a month and a half but I was so hardcore when I first got into them. I've said before that I thought I enjoy them because they give me hope rather than make me face my past. Well, actually it really is a little of both. But now, that hope part has died. I've acknowledged it as false hope. I can't even sing anymore. I think about the lyrics and pick them apart and realize I'm never going to feel the way he does. There's nothing out there that I could create my life around that will truly make me happy. "It's all success if it's what you need/Do what you like and do it honestly" What do I need? What do I like? Apparently nothing anymore. AVA's playing in the background as I type but I'm not listening to it, not really. It fills my ears but I don't really process it, don't really FEEL it. It's just there to keep me from 'feeling the silence' becuase when I do that I go 'smash.'
Why do I even do this? It doesn't make me feel better, it doesn't get me anywhere. *sigh* I thought there was a solution on the horizon but I can't even have much faith in that anymore. This is all so deep, so profound, so suffocating, so daunting, what could possibly kill it from my mind? Everything that used to doesn't any longer. The first thing I tried to stop it hasn't worked. Why should anything else I attempt?
I don't know what to say anymore. I just DON'T KNOW. anything. Whatever. Oh well. I guess that's my release for today. Though I don't really see a point to it. *sigh*
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