Ugh. Yesterday was so perfect. And today is so NOT. And I'm so sick of it.
Nothing is easy. Especially not this. It's not even just, 'we'll change your meds and you'll be fine' thing anymore. It's, "well, you'll have to come back to the hospital every so often for this one med, then we can put you on the other one, and we'll see how it goes.' (Well, actually the doc is still saying that, 'you'll be fine' bullshit but I didn't believe her when it first happened and I certainly don't believe her now.) Then, she tries to sugarcoat everything by saying the results of the biopsy were fine, nothing but those ulcers by my incision sight. Well, excuse me for thinking that those ulcers are more than enough for me to handle right now. In addition, now I have to go to CHOP for a certain time period, just because the insurance people are fighting with us?! I don't live in Philly, hell I don't even live in PA! It's gonna be a God damn 2 hour drive in, probably at least a half hour of waiting once I get there, get stuck with an IV and be pumped medicine in me for ?2 hours? (I heard talk of 2 hours when my mom was on the phone with the doc but am not exactly sure what it pertained to), and then another 2 hour drive back. And it has some crazy time schedule too. Something like once a week for the first 3 weeks, then every 2 for some odd amount of time, then after 2 months, then six months..............then the expensive drug.
I'm so damn tired of this shit. This give and take, push and pull, happy one day and crashing for the next week. This is not right. This shouldn't even be happening now, dammit!
Crap, this could have been thrown at someone 100x stronger than I am. Not that I wish this on anyone, no one on the face of the earth deserves this shit, but why me? I'm not Lance Armstrong, dammit. I'm not strong, I'm not brave, I couldn't handle it before, I can't handle it now, and I never will be able to handle it. I'm not an optimistic person. I'm not someone who can just say, 'oh everything will be fine, I can fight through this, it'll all work out in the end' no matter how much I wanna be. I try.........God dammit I REALLY try...............but every time I do start thinking like that something will happen to bring me back down, or my mind just doesn't let me keep that attitude long.
I've been living a gigantic lie for two years. Thinking that this would all just disappear except for a recheck every 6 months and actually trying to enjoy my life. No. This NEVER goes away. It is and will ALWAYS be there. There will always be something. Ugh.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Trileptal
Smash. Smash. Smash. Smash. Smash. Smash. Smash. Crash. Crash. Crash. Crash. Crash. Crash. Crash. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. Boom. Booom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Pow. Pow. Pow. Pow. Pow. Pow. Pow. Snap. Snap. Snap. Snap. Snap. Snap. Snap. Crack. Crack. Crack. Crack. Crack. Crack. Crack. Splat. Splat. Splat. Splat. Splat. Splat. Splat.
We'll that certainly helped. *eye-roll*
We'll that certainly helped. *eye-roll*
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Ramblings
Sitting here doing the same stuff I always do. In other words, a bunch of meaningless crap. It used to be a way that I could shut my mind up for a while, but not anymore. Hell, guitar used to be a way to shut my mind up too but that doesn't work anymore either. In fact, it stopped working before all these computer distractions did. I don't know what to do about guitar anymore. It's lasted all of 6 months so far, and I absolutely loved it at first, but now its not the same. Nothing's the same.
Everything has turned from, 'I'm gonna do this because I want to,' into 'I have to do this because its the only way I can get by without losing my fucking mind'. I think that's a lost cause though, I think I've already lost my mind. Even days when I have a blast all day with friends and/or family, I come home and crash. There's nothing holding me here anymore.
Even the things I thought I would always love and would never change, have.
1) Writing.
I've been a writer since 5th grade....well I was kinda sucky then but I mean I've loved it since then. That was 6 years ago.....been evolving in it, continuing with it, developing more ideas, and getting better at ever since. How could something you've been doing for 6 years, been passionate about for 6 years, has given your life meaning for 6 years, suddenly turn around and not mean anything? I'm not even sure why I continue writing. I guess it's because I've been told that I'm good at it and I have people who prod me about what I've written lately. I don't mind the prodding, it doesn't really affect me one way or another. It just kinda makes me write, but not sooner than I can make myself. I guess I enjoy it when I'm doing it.....but it's such a miniscule and short-lived high. Once I'm done with a passage of something I don't really even feel good about it. I just sorta feel like, 'that took longer than expected' or 'crap that was so much work'. It drains me, most of the time. The last thing I worte and really actually enjoyed every second of it was 'Jailhouse Rockers', which I wrote exactly 1 month ago. I've written 3 other passages to something else since then and I've basically just been 'eh' about them. 4 writings in a month....I used to do more than that. It's just not the same and it kills me.
2) Music
I've had a good number of music related obsessions. The first few didn't last really that long (Wicked, Moulin Rouge!, Legally Blonde...etc.). I still enjoy the tunes if I hear them, but I really haven't given them much thought since....last year. It's closing on exactly one year ago that I truly discovered Goo. I do like that, in about a week it'll be my one year Gooeyversary. I even bought myself a little Gooeyversary present, the Music in High Places Alaska DVD. It should be here right around my first Goo CDs' arrival. Well, anyway, that's a thrill but it's still just a tiny one. I remember how Goo made me feel when I first got LLI and SSCW (Well, I bought them at the same time but it's really just LLI that stuck with me at first. It took me a while to warm up to SSCW). I felt everything that was hiding inside of me. John's words touched my soul and they literally became my life for at least 6 months. Yeah, I mean my ENTIRE life. I didn't listen to anything else, I didn't buy anything unrelated to them, not one thought in my head didn't have some relation to them, all the dreams that stuck in my memory were about them (I've had 8 gooey dreams in total, the latest one just last night), I couldn't have a conversation with someone without turning the subject to them, and so on and so on. Well, I still like them and I still LOVE John but even they're different now. I really haven't listened to them in a long time. Waiting for their new album isn't even the same. I'm beginning to care less and less about it each day. Huh, I guess they were really just another distraction in my life and even they've lost their touch.
AVA too. I've only been a fan of them for like a month and a half but I was so hardcore when I first got into them. I've said before that I thought I enjoy them because they give me hope rather than make me face my past. Well, actually it really is a little of both. But now, that hope part has died. I've acknowledged it as false hope. I can't even sing anymore. I think about the lyrics and pick them apart and realize I'm never going to feel the way he does. There's nothing out there that I could create my life around that will truly make me happy. "It's all success if it's what you need/Do what you like and do it honestly" What do I need? What do I like? Apparently nothing anymore. AVA's playing in the background as I type but I'm not listening to it, not really. It fills my ears but I don't really process it, don't really FEEL it. It's just there to keep me from 'feeling the silence' becuase when I do that I go 'smash.'
Why do I even do this? It doesn't make me feel better, it doesn't get me anywhere. *sigh* I thought there was a solution on the horizon but I can't even have much faith in that anymore. This is all so deep, so profound, so suffocating, so daunting, what could possibly kill it from my mind? Everything that used to doesn't any longer. The first thing I tried to stop it hasn't worked. Why should anything else I attempt?
I don't know what to say anymore. I just DON'T KNOW. anything. Whatever. Oh well. I guess that's my release for today. Though I don't really see a point to it. *sigh*
Everything has turned from, 'I'm gonna do this because I want to,' into 'I have to do this because its the only way I can get by without losing my fucking mind'. I think that's a lost cause though, I think I've already lost my mind. Even days when I have a blast all day with friends and/or family, I come home and crash. There's nothing holding me here anymore.
Even the things I thought I would always love and would never change, have.
1) Writing.
I've been a writer since 5th grade....well I was kinda sucky then but I mean I've loved it since then. That was 6 years ago.....been evolving in it, continuing with it, developing more ideas, and getting better at ever since. How could something you've been doing for 6 years, been passionate about for 6 years, has given your life meaning for 6 years, suddenly turn around and not mean anything? I'm not even sure why I continue writing. I guess it's because I've been told that I'm good at it and I have people who prod me about what I've written lately. I don't mind the prodding, it doesn't really affect me one way or another. It just kinda makes me write, but not sooner than I can make myself. I guess I enjoy it when I'm doing it.....but it's such a miniscule and short-lived high. Once I'm done with a passage of something I don't really even feel good about it. I just sorta feel like, 'that took longer than expected' or 'crap that was so much work'. It drains me, most of the time. The last thing I worte and really actually enjoyed every second of it was 'Jailhouse Rockers', which I wrote exactly 1 month ago. I've written 3 other passages to something else since then and I've basically just been 'eh' about them. 4 writings in a month....I used to do more than that. It's just not the same and it kills me.
2) Music
I've had a good number of music related obsessions. The first few didn't last really that long (Wicked, Moulin Rouge!, Legally Blonde...etc.). I still enjoy the tunes if I hear them, but I really haven't given them much thought since....last year. It's closing on exactly one year ago that I truly discovered Goo. I do like that, in about a week it'll be my one year Gooeyversary. I even bought myself a little Gooeyversary present, the Music in High Places Alaska DVD. It should be here right around my first Goo CDs' arrival. Well, anyway, that's a thrill but it's still just a tiny one. I remember how Goo made me feel when I first got LLI and SSCW (Well, I bought them at the same time but it's really just LLI that stuck with me at first. It took me a while to warm up to SSCW). I felt everything that was hiding inside of me. John's words touched my soul and they literally became my life for at least 6 months. Yeah, I mean my ENTIRE life. I didn't listen to anything else, I didn't buy anything unrelated to them, not one thought in my head didn't have some relation to them, all the dreams that stuck in my memory were about them (I've had 8 gooey dreams in total, the latest one just last night), I couldn't have a conversation with someone without turning the subject to them, and so on and so on. Well, I still like them and I still LOVE John but even they're different now. I really haven't listened to them in a long time. Waiting for their new album isn't even the same. I'm beginning to care less and less about it each day. Huh, I guess they were really just another distraction in my life and even they've lost their touch.
AVA too. I've only been a fan of them for like a month and a half but I was so hardcore when I first got into them. I've said before that I thought I enjoy them because they give me hope rather than make me face my past. Well, actually it really is a little of both. But now, that hope part has died. I've acknowledged it as false hope. I can't even sing anymore. I think about the lyrics and pick them apart and realize I'm never going to feel the way he does. There's nothing out there that I could create my life around that will truly make me happy. "It's all success if it's what you need/Do what you like and do it honestly" What do I need? What do I like? Apparently nothing anymore. AVA's playing in the background as I type but I'm not listening to it, not really. It fills my ears but I don't really process it, don't really FEEL it. It's just there to keep me from 'feeling the silence' becuase when I do that I go 'smash.'
Why do I even do this? It doesn't make me feel better, it doesn't get me anywhere. *sigh* I thought there was a solution on the horizon but I can't even have much faith in that anymore. This is all so deep, so profound, so suffocating, so daunting, what could possibly kill it from my mind? Everything that used to doesn't any longer. The first thing I tried to stop it hasn't worked. Why should anything else I attempt?
I don't know what to say anymore. I just DON'T KNOW. anything. Whatever. Oh well. I guess that's my release for today. Though I don't really see a point to it. *sigh*
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Suffering...
I stayed up last night until 2AM crying my eyes out. Now today, I'm exhausted, mostly numb, and close to a breaking point. I just have one question I've been asking myself for a little while today...
What happens to you when you start to suffer in silecnce to spare everyone else?
What happens to you when you start to suffer in silecnce to spare everyone else?
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Musical Philosophy
Ok, I can't sleep, I need something to do, and I've just been thinking about this for a while today so I thought I'd rant about it to get it out of my system. Music. I LOVE it. I think, though, if you ask anyone in the entire world they will the same thing. Because you're not asking about a particular style or artist, just do you like music? How many types of music are even out there in the world? Too many to count, there's no way that anyone could say that they hate every and all music, it's practically impossible.
Anyway, back to the point, why do we like the music we like? I've been trying to figure this out, I can't really say for sure though, not even for myself really. Ok, I'm from NJ and I have this friend who has also lived in NJ all her life yet she's a huge country music fan (I mean, it's not all she listens to but it's a big portion of her music total). I have another friend, who's a teenager, but does not like any modern music like in the least, he's a classical fan. Me? A mix of like rock/pop/alternative/punk. I have a hard time defining the music I'm into. PAIN basically, if the artist has a lot of PAIN and writes really honestly I can dig it.........I think...........
See, now there are different reasons I like certain artists, as far as I can analyze it that is. There are the bands/artists who I, basically, enjoy for the beats of their songs (IE: The Fray, Lifehouse, Blink 182, Box Car Racer, Ryan Cabrera, Kelly Clarkson, so on and so on....). Now I love these guys a lot but it's different than the others that I like. I mean they each have their songs that especially reach out to me in terms of lyrics: TF: You Found Me and Over My Head, LH: Broken and Disarray, B182: Adam's Song, Stockholm Syndrome, Here's You Letter, and a few others, BCR: I Feel So and Letters to God, RC: In Between Lights, KC: Judas; but those are about it from each. Now, don't get me wrong, I really enjoy a ton of their other songs, but more on a 'this has a great sound' rather than 'those words really speak to me'. I have other bands for that......
Now, this is why I started thinking about this, I have my 2 ABSOLUTE FAVORITE 99.99999% POSITIVE WILL NEVER DIE bands. These are #2: Angels & Airwaves #1: The Goo Goo Dolls. Here's why I began contemplating this music thing: WHY ARE BOTH OF THESE BANDS MY FAVORITES????!!!!! They really are VERY VERY VERY contrasting. I was trying to figure out how this works out in my life and here's what I came up with.
First of all, Goo. GOO ROCKS, HARD! Now, I'm not going to lie, I'm a giganto obzezzive, truthfully I've really only gotten into Robby songs lately due to talking with other fans, but John is still ahead. I know why I like John (besides voice wise) so much though, it's those lyrics. Talk about a PAIN. John's lyrics bring back to mind that time in my life I hate and regret so much. That's why I love it, I can really feel myself and relate to the words even though I know and understand he's talking about different things, the same feelings are still there. That's why people irk me when they're really focused on why someone wrote a song. Yes, that is a part of it's beauty and it's important in it's own way, but it's not everything. Give yourselves some credit people, what does the song mean to you? In the long run what does it matter, in your own life, why someone else wrote the song? Words aren't absolute....what it meant to the composer and what you hear in the words and music can be two very different things. You're not the composer of the songs you listen to and so you haven't been through the same things they have but the words can still be very meaningful to you. Hard core example: Black Balloon. John wrote that about a friend he lost to a drug addiction.....that's a very sad and powerful thing and I feel for him, but it ain't the reason I love it so much. I've never had, really, anyone close to me die for any reason whatsoever, I know, I'm lucky, yet that piece still speaks volumes to me. I can't really describe it though, with a lot of his others it's plainly obvious but BB it's discreet. There's just something about it.......I FEEL it. So basically, all I really wanted to say here is that Goo brings back my past in a big way and helps me get my emotions out.
Then, there's AVA. If I was to compare them to Goo in any way, shape or form (which is pretty damn hard to do) I'd have to go with Let Love In. Yes, that's right, LLI, the album that basically any hardcore goober hates because it doesn't have the darker painful lyrics of the previous eras. I particularly happen to like LLI, it's not my fav but it's up there, but that's just me being the new odd-goo-ball that I am. Anyway, what I mean is that AVA has a more positive, happier, upbeat sound the way LLI Goo does. I mean even the one song I was expecting to be all hate filled when I first started listening to the lyrics, Rite of Spring, turns around in the chorus to this happy message! I was really surprised. Now, if you haven't noticed by now, withing myself I'm not that much of a happy person. So why do they mean so much to me? Yet, I know it's more than just the beat of the songs, it's a big part, but they wouldn't be my #2 band by 1/10th of a degree just on melody. There's something in the lyrics, and really I'm still trying to figure it out. The only thing I can think is that they give me hope....hope I really need right now. Do they make me think of my past, kinda but not really. They make me think ahead....maybe I can be happy even I've been through hell....maybe there is someone out there for me.....maybe I will end up being happy with what I do in life. I'm still not certain of these things, and the unknowns still taunt and torture me at night from time to time but AVA helps. I still can't agree with the Rite of Spring line, "If I had a chance for another try/I wouldn't change a thing/It's made me all who I am inside" I'd take back that stupid thing that happened in freshman year of high school, that was of no use to my life, in a freakin' heartbeat, yet I still love it. Like I said, I think it's the hope aspect of it. If Tom's been through all that he has and can still feel like that, maybe I can too one day. Maybe I can find my path and my soul mate and be happy forever and ever. Maybe.......KEEP MY HOPE ALIVE TOM AND AVA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The subject just intrigued me.
Anyway, back to the point, why do we like the music we like? I've been trying to figure this out, I can't really say for sure though, not even for myself really. Ok, I'm from NJ and I have this friend who has also lived in NJ all her life yet she's a huge country music fan (I mean, it's not all she listens to but it's a big portion of her music total). I have another friend, who's a teenager, but does not like any modern music like in the least, he's a classical fan. Me? A mix of like rock/pop/alternative/punk. I have a hard time defining the music I'm into. PAIN basically, if the artist has a lot of PAIN and writes really honestly I can dig it.........I think...........
See, now there are different reasons I like certain artists, as far as I can analyze it that is. There are the bands/artists who I, basically, enjoy for the beats of their songs (IE: The Fray, Lifehouse, Blink 182, Box Car Racer, Ryan Cabrera, Kelly Clarkson, so on and so on....). Now I love these guys a lot but it's different than the others that I like. I mean they each have their songs that especially reach out to me in terms of lyrics: TF: You Found Me and Over My Head, LH: Broken and Disarray, B182: Adam's Song, Stockholm Syndrome, Here's You Letter, and a few others, BCR: I Feel So and Letters to God, RC: In Between Lights, KC: Judas; but those are about it from each. Now, don't get me wrong, I really enjoy a ton of their other songs, but more on a 'this has a great sound' rather than 'those words really speak to me'. I have other bands for that......
Now, this is why I started thinking about this, I have my 2 ABSOLUTE FAVORITE 99.99999% POSITIVE WILL NEVER DIE bands. These are #2: Angels & Airwaves #1: The Goo Goo Dolls. Here's why I began contemplating this music thing: WHY ARE BOTH OF THESE BANDS MY FAVORITES????!!!!! They really are VERY VERY VERY contrasting. I was trying to figure out how this works out in my life and here's what I came up with.
First of all, Goo. GOO ROCKS, HARD! Now, I'm not going to lie, I'm a giganto obzezzive, truthfully I've really only gotten into Robby songs lately due to talking with other fans, but John is still ahead. I know why I like John (besides voice wise) so much though, it's those lyrics. Talk about a PAIN. John's lyrics bring back to mind that time in my life I hate and regret so much. That's why I love it, I can really feel myself and relate to the words even though I know and understand he's talking about different things, the same feelings are still there. That's why people irk me when they're really focused on why someone wrote a song. Yes, that is a part of it's beauty and it's important in it's own way, but it's not everything. Give yourselves some credit people, what does the song mean to you? In the long run what does it matter, in your own life, why someone else wrote the song? Words aren't absolute....what it meant to the composer and what you hear in the words and music can be two very different things. You're not the composer of the songs you listen to and so you haven't been through the same things they have but the words can still be very meaningful to you. Hard core example: Black Balloon. John wrote that about a friend he lost to a drug addiction.....that's a very sad and powerful thing and I feel for him, but it ain't the reason I love it so much. I've never had, really, anyone close to me die for any reason whatsoever, I know, I'm lucky, yet that piece still speaks volumes to me. I can't really describe it though, with a lot of his others it's plainly obvious but BB it's discreet. There's just something about it.......I FEEL it. So basically, all I really wanted to say here is that Goo brings back my past in a big way and helps me get my emotions out.
Then, there's AVA. If I was to compare them to Goo in any way, shape or form (which is pretty damn hard to do) I'd have to go with Let Love In. Yes, that's right, LLI, the album that basically any hardcore goober hates because it doesn't have the darker painful lyrics of the previous eras. I particularly happen to like LLI, it's not my fav but it's up there, but that's just me being the new odd-goo-ball that I am. Anyway, what I mean is that AVA has a more positive, happier, upbeat sound the way LLI Goo does. I mean even the one song I was expecting to be all hate filled when I first started listening to the lyrics, Rite of Spring, turns around in the chorus to this happy message! I was really surprised. Now, if you haven't noticed by now, withing myself I'm not that much of a happy person. So why do they mean so much to me? Yet, I know it's more than just the beat of the songs, it's a big part, but they wouldn't be my #2 band by 1/10th of a degree just on melody. There's something in the lyrics, and really I'm still trying to figure it out. The only thing I can think is that they give me hope....hope I really need right now. Do they make me think of my past, kinda but not really. They make me think ahead....maybe I can be happy even I've been through hell....maybe there is someone out there for me.....maybe I will end up being happy with what I do in life. I'm still not certain of these things, and the unknowns still taunt and torture me at night from time to time but AVA helps. I still can't agree with the Rite of Spring line, "If I had a chance for another try/I wouldn't change a thing/It's made me all who I am inside" I'd take back that stupid thing that happened in freshman year of high school, that was of no use to my life, in a freakin' heartbeat, yet I still love it. Like I said, I think it's the hope aspect of it. If Tom's been through all that he has and can still feel like that, maybe I can too one day. Maybe I can find my path and my soul mate and be happy forever and ever. Maybe.......KEEP MY HOPE ALIVE TOM AND AVA!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The subject just intrigued me.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
Rite of Spring
Yeah, that's right, a song started this rave. For those of you who aren't Angels & Airwaves followers:
"I was locked all day, in the summer heat.
In a small brown house, in suburban street.
With a skateboard and my shit guitar
I’d dream all day that they would get me far
My dad would ask me about my grades
The asshole sports that I never played
And then I’d ask about the girls he’d date
Behind our backs when mom would stay up late
And it was near when I turned 16
Got kicked out of school and so it seemed
That things were closing in and ready to blow
My dad moved out about that year or so
It took an hour to start a punk rock band
To offset my fucked up family land
And as I held my mom would start to cry
I swore ourselves a better life
If I had a chance for another try, I wouldn't change a thing,
It’s made me all of who I am inside.
And if I could thank god, that I am here and that I am alive.
And everyday I wake, and tell myself a little harmless lie,
The whole wide world is mine.
The summers gone, the years have past
My friends have changed, a few did last.
The smallest dreams got pushed aside
For the largest ones that changed my life
And all I wish for has come to pass
From rock n roll to love and cash
It’s all success if its what you need
Do what you like and do it honestly
If I had a chance for another try, I wouldn't change a thing,
It’s made me all of who I am inside.
And if I could thank god, that I am here and that I am alive.
And everyday I wake, and tell myself a little harmless lie,
The whole wide world is mine.
If I had a chance for another try, I wouldn't change a thing,
It’s made me all of who I am inside.
And if I could thank god, that I am here and that I am alive.
And everyday I wake, and tell myself a little harmless lie,
The whole wide world is mine. "
I've become a hardcore A&A fan ever since I found their video for "Everything's Magic" on youtube. This has to be one of my favorites but I hate that I love it so much. Well, I don't hate that I love it, I just feel like a hypocrite for loving it. First of all, I hear all the crap that Tom went through in his life and, as whenever I hear about someone who has a crappier life that I do, I HATE myself for feeling the way I do. Listen to how fucking positive he is. God. I'm such a mess.
Secondly, "If I had a chance for another try, I wouldn't change a thing/It's made me all who I am inside" I WISH WISH WISH I could say the same. If I could change my life I would do it in A FUCKING HEARTBEAT!!!!!! I agree, everything that happened then has made me what I am today, but what is that? I don't want to be like this, I want to actually enjoy life every once in a while. Why is this so hard???!!
Thirdly, "If I could thank God that I am here and that I am alive" I'm not even sure if I even believe in God. I believe there's something out there, some ultimate driving force, but I don't think it's the Roman Catholic God. Also, how many times to I wish for an end? At any cost. Thank God that I'm alive, hah. I've asked him to kill me often, he doesn't listen.
Then, "It's all success if it's what you need/Do what you like and do it honestly" I want that to be true. I hate not knowing about my future. For so long I was SO sure I wanted to be a zookeeper but for practically my entire life my mother did nothing but shoot it down. It's hard to keep trying for something that your getting nothing but negative feedback for. So now it's psychology, but is that what I want? Is that what I need? Is it honest? I have no idea. Then there are my dreams: author or musician/vocalist. The dreams you can't rely on. My heart screams for them but my head yells back, "SHUT UP!!" What do I do? Throw myself into my writing and/or music and wait for it to pay off. Who says either ever would? Am I just supposed to starve myself until it does? Am I a strong enough person to live that life? I have no idea what I want or what is the right thing to do. I look to my future and just see...nothing.
I rambling. This is pure stream of consciousness, it probably makes no sense but I'm doing it either way. This hasn't happened in a while. I've had little tear come out every now and then but this bawling hasn't occurred since about Easter break. I've felt like this ever since, I've just had it more under control. I went on birth control to stop this, it hasn't worked, and so it's just another pill I have to take everyday of my fucking life, only this one has no purpose. I told my mother how I felt and that I wanted to see a psychologist again back in April and I still won't have seen one until Wednesday. Even then, it's every other week until the summer and I don't know if that's going to work.
I used to believe in love, I don't anymore. I haven't known anyone who hasn't had love cause nothing but problems for them, or if they don't ave problems is not real true love; they're just together because they feel they have to even if they can't stand each other. That sucks because I want it so much and I just don't believe that it exists anymore. I'm absolutely alone and I always will be. I mean yeah, right now I have Colleen and I love her and need her so much but she's only with me so much and I really doubt that we can stay together after high school. I know we'll try but if we go to different colleges, take different careers, how can we not go our separate ways. I'm so fucking terrified for that because once she's gone I know I'll REALLY be absolutely alone again and I can't bear that.
If God does exist I don't understand him. I don't understand the Roman Catholic beliefs either. They're so contradicting. They say God loves and forgives everyone. Well, if He loves everyone so much why did he flood the world? If he is so capable of forgiveness why does Hell even exist? I don't understand why he'd put people on earth either. I mean, it would be one thing if people actually enjoyed life but it's extremely rare to find someone who's really truly happy. I guess these are just my opinions but this is really how I view the world. People are constantly thrust with loss, pain, and discomfort it just always seems like the bad outweighs the good. Are we a joke to him? What did he think, "Let me create people so they can suffer and destroy and I can sit back and laugh at their calamity." If God does exist I personally have some spite against him.
What would people, not anyone really close to me just people in general, think of me if they ever read any of this? I know, they'd either try to send me into a mental institution or take pity on me. I hate that, I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I want them to just listen and try to help, or just try to understand. But that can't happen. No one can understand. They're not me and they never will be. That's why I'm alone and always will be.
"I was locked all day, in the summer heat.
In a small brown house, in suburban street.
With a skateboard and my shit guitar
I’d dream all day that they would get me far
My dad would ask me about my grades
The asshole sports that I never played
And then I’d ask about the girls he’d date
Behind our backs when mom would stay up late
And it was near when I turned 16
Got kicked out of school and so it seemed
That things were closing in and ready to blow
My dad moved out about that year or so
It took an hour to start a punk rock band
To offset my fucked up family land
And as I held my mom would start to cry
I swore ourselves a better life
If I had a chance for another try, I wouldn't change a thing,
It’s made me all of who I am inside.
And if I could thank god, that I am here and that I am alive.
And everyday I wake, and tell myself a little harmless lie,
The whole wide world is mine.
The summers gone, the years have past
My friends have changed, a few did last.
The smallest dreams got pushed aside
For the largest ones that changed my life
And all I wish for has come to pass
From rock n roll to love and cash
It’s all success if its what you need
Do what you like and do it honestly
If I had a chance for another try, I wouldn't change a thing,
It’s made me all of who I am inside.
And if I could thank god, that I am here and that I am alive.
And everyday I wake, and tell myself a little harmless lie,
The whole wide world is mine.
If I had a chance for another try, I wouldn't change a thing,
It’s made me all of who I am inside.
And if I could thank god, that I am here and that I am alive.
And everyday I wake, and tell myself a little harmless lie,
The whole wide world is mine. "
I've become a hardcore A&A fan ever since I found their video for "Everything's Magic" on youtube. This has to be one of my favorites but I hate that I love it so much. Well, I don't hate that I love it, I just feel like a hypocrite for loving it. First of all, I hear all the crap that Tom went through in his life and, as whenever I hear about someone who has a crappier life that I do, I HATE myself for feeling the way I do. Listen to how fucking positive he is. God. I'm such a mess.
Secondly, "If I had a chance for another try, I wouldn't change a thing/It's made me all who I am inside" I WISH WISH WISH I could say the same. If I could change my life I would do it in A FUCKING HEARTBEAT!!!!!! I agree, everything that happened then has made me what I am today, but what is that? I don't want to be like this, I want to actually enjoy life every once in a while. Why is this so hard???!!
Thirdly, "If I could thank God that I am here and that I am alive" I'm not even sure if I even believe in God. I believe there's something out there, some ultimate driving force, but I don't think it's the Roman Catholic God. Also, how many times to I wish for an end? At any cost. Thank God that I'm alive, hah. I've asked him to kill me often, he doesn't listen.
Then, "It's all success if it's what you need/Do what you like and do it honestly" I want that to be true. I hate not knowing about my future. For so long I was SO sure I wanted to be a zookeeper but for practically my entire life my mother did nothing but shoot it down. It's hard to keep trying for something that your getting nothing but negative feedback for. So now it's psychology, but is that what I want? Is that what I need? Is it honest? I have no idea. Then there are my dreams: author or musician/vocalist. The dreams you can't rely on. My heart screams for them but my head yells back, "SHUT UP!!" What do I do? Throw myself into my writing and/or music and wait for it to pay off. Who says either ever would? Am I just supposed to starve myself until it does? Am I a strong enough person to live that life? I have no idea what I want or what is the right thing to do. I look to my future and just see...nothing.
I rambling. This is pure stream of consciousness, it probably makes no sense but I'm doing it either way. This hasn't happened in a while. I've had little tear come out every now and then but this bawling hasn't occurred since about Easter break. I've felt like this ever since, I've just had it more under control. I went on birth control to stop this, it hasn't worked, and so it's just another pill I have to take everyday of my fucking life, only this one has no purpose. I told my mother how I felt and that I wanted to see a psychologist again back in April and I still won't have seen one until Wednesday. Even then, it's every other week until the summer and I don't know if that's going to work.
I used to believe in love, I don't anymore. I haven't known anyone who hasn't had love cause nothing but problems for them, or if they don't ave problems is not real true love; they're just together because they feel they have to even if they can't stand each other. That sucks because I want it so much and I just don't believe that it exists anymore. I'm absolutely alone and I always will be. I mean yeah, right now I have Colleen and I love her and need her so much but she's only with me so much and I really doubt that we can stay together after high school. I know we'll try but if we go to different colleges, take different careers, how can we not go our separate ways. I'm so fucking terrified for that because once she's gone I know I'll REALLY be absolutely alone again and I can't bear that.
If God does exist I don't understand him. I don't understand the Roman Catholic beliefs either. They're so contradicting. They say God loves and forgives everyone. Well, if He loves everyone so much why did he flood the world? If he is so capable of forgiveness why does Hell even exist? I don't understand why he'd put people on earth either. I mean, it would be one thing if people actually enjoyed life but it's extremely rare to find someone who's really truly happy. I guess these are just my opinions but this is really how I view the world. People are constantly thrust with loss, pain, and discomfort it just always seems like the bad outweighs the good. Are we a joke to him? What did he think, "Let me create people so they can suffer and destroy and I can sit back and laugh at their calamity." If God does exist I personally have some spite against him.
What would people, not anyone really close to me just people in general, think of me if they ever read any of this? I know, they'd either try to send me into a mental institution or take pity on me. I hate that, I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I want them to just listen and try to help, or just try to understand. But that can't happen. No one can understand. They're not me and they never will be. That's why I'm alone and always will be.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Dysentery Gary
Am I making something out of nothing? Yeah, probably. That's right, I KNOW that. It's just I can't see past it. This break pretty all around sucked. Yes I had some good times with friends with friends and family but most of it wasn't much at all. It was just basically crying and worrying. I can't remember the last time my stomach wasn't in a knot. I always have something to dwell over on my mind. School, future, past, parents, anything. I just am so fucked up right now. Nothing makes it better, and I don't think anything can make it better. I try to just relax and be me and do the things I want to do but the world doesn't permit me that pleasure. What makes it even worse is my mother. When I think I can get away from all my thoughts and worries at dinner when we're at the table or late at night when we watch TV together I realize how wrong I am. Anytime she opens her mouth its just to stress me out more. Always asking about school and all my work for it, there's more but that's the biggest thing. How come my mom has to care about that? I stress myself out enough myself with it I don't need her jumping down my throat. She doesn't care about anything else in my life why does school matter so much? Why is it all she has to talk about with me?
God she makes me so angry! She always complains that I don't tell her enough. You know what, I don't tell her a lot but that's no one's fault but her own. If it's something I want to tell her and just go right out and say it, she hardly listens. She'll smile and nod and then in a millisecond go to a topic she wants to talk about. If it's something I'm not sure if I should tell her or not but finally work up the courage to tell her she gets so involved or over-reactive. I always regret telling her the things that I question before saying, it always ends up in a fight. Why should I tell her anything with those reactions?
Wow, I've been in this funk for about two weeks now. NEW RECORD!!!! The funny thing is it skipped over its usual time and started when I should be fine and has just become never ending. I'm not looking forward to this weekend. But then again, who the hell knows? Maybe I'll be all perky this time, I have a feeling I'll just be worse this time around though. Why can't I get out of it this time? I'm kind of longing for that cycle right now. At least then I would have a few days of peace between these awful depressions. What the fuck is wrong with me?
Where am I going? What am I doing? What's the point? God I'm so confused and lost. "Life just sucks...I'm giving up........Fuck this place."
God she makes me so angry! She always complains that I don't tell her enough. You know what, I don't tell her a lot but that's no one's fault but her own. If it's something I want to tell her and just go right out and say it, she hardly listens. She'll smile and nod and then in a millisecond go to a topic she wants to talk about. If it's something I'm not sure if I should tell her or not but finally work up the courage to tell her she gets so involved or over-reactive. I always regret telling her the things that I question before saying, it always ends up in a fight. Why should I tell her anything with those reactions?
Wow, I've been in this funk for about two weeks now. NEW RECORD!!!! The funny thing is it skipped over its usual time and started when I should be fine and has just become never ending. I'm not looking forward to this weekend. But then again, who the hell knows? Maybe I'll be all perky this time, I have a feeling I'll just be worse this time around though. Why can't I get out of it this time? I'm kind of longing for that cycle right now. At least then I would have a few days of peace between these awful depressions. What the fuck is wrong with me?
Where am I going? What am I doing? What's the point? God I'm so confused and lost. "Life just sucks...I'm giving up........Fuck this place."
Saturday, April 18, 2009
God, this sucks
Here I am again, as I always am. I talked to my brother the other day, online, about this and now I'm even more confused and more emotionally imbalanced. At first he made me feel like I could go to my parents but I just don't believe that anymore. I've been through this with them before and they are sooooo harmful! Well, mostly my dad is just super worried and confused and just doesn't know what to do so doesn't really say anything exactly helpful or harmful. My mom is a whole other story though. She gets sooooo involved! I've gone to her before in tears and she doesn't, usually, suggest, "let's get someone to help you" it's always, "I'm going to make you better." No, she doesn't literally say that but that what she tries to do. Whenever I tell her about all the things that I hate about my life, am terrified about for the future, or just can't stand anymore she just tells me the same crap she always does. She thinks saying these things over and over again will work but it sure as hell doesn't. And after these instances became more frequent she just seemed fed up withe them. Like she just wants me to shut up and deal with it and leave her out of it.
I'm convinced this will happen all over again. I'm also convinced they know what's going on with me right now and are refusing to address it or just plain don't care about it. I've been blasting music and singing along in tears frequently, I noisily cry myself to sleep almost every night in my bedroom, I hardly say anything to them anymore, I mean how oblivious can people be?! I think they figure that if I don't want to come to them about it then its not worth discussing, or maybe its just easier to let me do this on my own. I don't want to talk to them. I don't want to have their annoyed and/or overprotective reactions. And if they don't fucking care, fine screw them!
Oh yeah and then something my brother told me really sent me reeling. As I said he's depressed lately. Well the other night he called us and we was totally crazed. I hadn't talked to him but my parents were and they apparently were scared for his life. My dad had to go to his house and my mom constantly had him on the phone. I was an absolute wreck that night but whenever my mom got the chance she'd tell me to stop crying he's just overreacting and blowing it all out of proportion, it's ok. At one point during the night my mom asked if he wanted to speak to me. I didn't want to, I was sobbing like mad and I had absolutely no idea what to say to him. I had no choice in the matter though because she handed me the phone anyway. I was basically crying into the phone the whole god damn time with little things in between. So as we were talking the other night and I got into all that I've been seeing/feeling/thinking he tells me something. He said that when he heard how upset I was on the phone that night it was the only thing that kept him from doing what he was going to do. WHAT THE FUCK?! I was perfectly fine with my understanding of the situation prior to this: he was upset but we all talked him through it and he's getting help. I mean, by the things he said to me on the phone I always thought I helped more and might have prevented something but I was just putting that off as ego. I DIDN'T HAVE TO KNOW HE WAS ACTUALLY GOING TO DO SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!! I started sobbing like mad when he sad that. It hurt so much to know that he was actually planning on doing something. I was so mad, confused, hurt, basically everything except for the happy-like emotions.
So now I'm even more fucked up then I was before. I just don't see the point anymore. I've talked of the thoughts of suicides before, but whenever I have them I realize I would never do them. I am too much of a coward. I couldn't do it to myself, I just want it to be done to me. I told my brother that too and he said that its a good thing to be cowardly in this situation. That really got me thinking. Why? Why the hell is it such a god damn good thing? What the hell does life have to offer me? What the hell does it all mean in the end anyway? What is so important about life that it is necessary to go through all this torturous hell? I try to look ahead to my future and I really don't see anything. I can't imagine myself happy in anything. I can't see myself going through college well. I can't see myself enjoying any kind of work I might come into. I can't see myself finding love because no one in the world who could possibly understand my fucked up self or want to deal with me. What the hell do we even go through all of this? We act like everything in our lives is so fucking important but how could it be? We're all going to reach the same end and when we get there none of this is going to mean anything. So tell me, what the fuck's the point? What the fuck is so important?
I really don't want to go to a psychologist again either. I've had three already and they did basically nothing for me. The first one I had when I was in the hospital and I absolutely hated her. She was so into herself and was constantly judging me. The next one I went to I liked but the whole thing died fast. I talked to her about things the first few times but then I just didn't feel like there was anything to say. It's not that I didn't have problems anymore, its just that I couldn't think of things to say when I was there or couldn't find a way to open up to her. The last guy I had I hated, though not as much as my first one. The only reason I stayed with him as long as I did was becasue he had a therapy dog with him. The days when he didn't have his dog were awful. I don't really know what it was, he just never seemed to help with anything I wanted him to help me with. Then he was really judgmental as well. Its so awful that you have to go through all this shit to get help. Another reason why I don't want to see a psychologist is a problem I've had since the beginning: I don't want to talk to a fucking stranger about the inner workings of my screwed up mind. Who are they to know? To care? How can they know what to do? Why should I listen to them anyway?
Err I'm just really mad right now. I'm not sure if this writing things out is helping or not yet. I still feel like breaking everything in my sight. (That's a weird side effect I have with all of this) God my life is a fucking waste.
I'm convinced this will happen all over again. I'm also convinced they know what's going on with me right now and are refusing to address it or just plain don't care about it. I've been blasting music and singing along in tears frequently, I noisily cry myself to sleep almost every night in my bedroom, I hardly say anything to them anymore, I mean how oblivious can people be?! I think they figure that if I don't want to come to them about it then its not worth discussing, or maybe its just easier to let me do this on my own. I don't want to talk to them. I don't want to have their annoyed and/or overprotective reactions. And if they don't fucking care, fine screw them!
Oh yeah and then something my brother told me really sent me reeling. As I said he's depressed lately. Well the other night he called us and we was totally crazed. I hadn't talked to him but my parents were and they apparently were scared for his life. My dad had to go to his house and my mom constantly had him on the phone. I was an absolute wreck that night but whenever my mom got the chance she'd tell me to stop crying he's just overreacting and blowing it all out of proportion, it's ok. At one point during the night my mom asked if he wanted to speak to me. I didn't want to, I was sobbing like mad and I had absolutely no idea what to say to him. I had no choice in the matter though because she handed me the phone anyway. I was basically crying into the phone the whole god damn time with little things in between. So as we were talking the other night and I got into all that I've been seeing/feeling/thinking he tells me something. He said that when he heard how upset I was on the phone that night it was the only thing that kept him from doing what he was going to do. WHAT THE FUCK?! I was perfectly fine with my understanding of the situation prior to this: he was upset but we all talked him through it and he's getting help. I mean, by the things he said to me on the phone I always thought I helped more and might have prevented something but I was just putting that off as ego. I DIDN'T HAVE TO KNOW HE WAS ACTUALLY GOING TO DO SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!! I started sobbing like mad when he sad that. It hurt so much to know that he was actually planning on doing something. I was so mad, confused, hurt, basically everything except for the happy-like emotions.
So now I'm even more fucked up then I was before. I just don't see the point anymore. I've talked of the thoughts of suicides before, but whenever I have them I realize I would never do them. I am too much of a coward. I couldn't do it to myself, I just want it to be done to me. I told my brother that too and he said that its a good thing to be cowardly in this situation. That really got me thinking. Why? Why the hell is it such a god damn good thing? What the hell does life have to offer me? What the hell does it all mean in the end anyway? What is so important about life that it is necessary to go through all this torturous hell? I try to look ahead to my future and I really don't see anything. I can't imagine myself happy in anything. I can't see myself going through college well. I can't see myself enjoying any kind of work I might come into. I can't see myself finding love because no one in the world who could possibly understand my fucked up self or want to deal with me. What the hell do we even go through all of this? We act like everything in our lives is so fucking important but how could it be? We're all going to reach the same end and when we get there none of this is going to mean anything. So tell me, what the fuck's the point? What the fuck is so important?
I really don't want to go to a psychologist again either. I've had three already and they did basically nothing for me. The first one I had when I was in the hospital and I absolutely hated her. She was so into herself and was constantly judging me. The next one I went to I liked but the whole thing died fast. I talked to her about things the first few times but then I just didn't feel like there was anything to say. It's not that I didn't have problems anymore, its just that I couldn't think of things to say when I was there or couldn't find a way to open up to her. The last guy I had I hated, though not as much as my first one. The only reason I stayed with him as long as I did was becasue he had a therapy dog with him. The days when he didn't have his dog were awful. I don't really know what it was, he just never seemed to help with anything I wanted him to help me with. Then he was really judgmental as well. Its so awful that you have to go through all this shit to get help. Another reason why I don't want to see a psychologist is a problem I've had since the beginning: I don't want to talk to a fucking stranger about the inner workings of my screwed up mind. Who are they to know? To care? How can they know what to do? Why should I listen to them anyway?
Err I'm just really mad right now. I'm not sure if this writing things out is helping or not yet. I still feel like breaking everything in my sight. (That's a weird side effect I have with all of this) God my life is a fucking waste.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
I'M A FUCKING IDIOT!!
I just put my best friend through hell today! She means so much to me and I put her through so much! All that talk of not putting my friends through my stupid troubles and I go and do this! What the fuck was I thinking?! I went through this with my brother, how the hell could I even tink of inflicting the same pain on her?! She's done nothing but good for me and this is the tahnks I give her?! I'm such a rotten, lousy, good-for-nothing asshole! I never wanted her to know about these things! I just wanted to keep the inner working of my fucked up mind to myself! I was only ever writing it here or anywhere else as a release! Why the hell would I go and do something like this?! What the fuck was I thinking?! I can't believe I did this to her! I'm such a jackass! I can't stop thinking about it! Oh Christ, what the hell am I doing??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, April 13, 2009
Eh bleh bleh
Today was an ok day. We did something which prevented the depressing thoughts, but it wasn't exactly a great time. First of all, my dog annoyed me today when I was trying to record a song to my mp3 player and she started barking in the middle of the song, twice! I had to do it 3 times before I got it good. Secondly, we didn't go out until 6:30 so I was forced to go through the meaningless computer, music, TV, guitar (I can't even bring myself to write anymore of my fiction stuff yet) routine and I almost got overwhelmed, but luckily I was able to break it up between them all enough so that I avoided that. Then my mom and I went over to my grandparents' house to play cards with them and my aunt. Thought it was going to be good, but not so much.
We were having fun playing, talking, and laughing and then my mom got snippy. We were playing four handed Pinochle and I was parterned with my aunt and my mom was with my grandfather (my grandmother decided to sit out). My aunt and I needed to make my mom and my grandfather go up in order to stay in the game so we were making little jokes as my mom was dealing like, "even if you have something don't bid" "we're gonna put you up". We always do things like this and its never out of meaness or spite, just a little humor. Well niether my aunt nor I had anything worth anything in our hands so we passed and then my mother and grandfather went up. We were happy, it meant they didn't beat us. Then we won the next hand by a lot and my mom was really mad at me for making those jokes before. She said I was a sore winner and that me and my aunt were playing like cut throats. We repeatedly told her that we had nothing in our hands to bid with and hardly had any meld together but she still insisted on the two things she said before.
I was getting out of my depression for the day, but that certainly ruined it. She made me so mad because she was acting like a complete child. We were just joking and she acted like it was the end of the world. I got really mad and hardly said anything the rest of the night. The only time I said anything was when I was directly spoken to and even then I gave an unemotional and curt answer. I really didn't care much about anything after that. Alright, maybe that was also a childish way to act but I really had no control over it. It's just this stupid state I'm in right now playing horrible emotional games on my mind, spirit, and body.
Well tomorrow I have stuff planned. Well, half of them are plans. First I have my stinkin' allergy shots at 1:15, at least I can listen to Goo which is the only that saves me for that 30 minutes, and then guitar at 3:30 which is always enjoyable. More Goo too, becaause he said he's gonna teach me Iris this week. He said we'd do it last week but he didn't have time to learn it so he promised me for this week. That will keep me occupied until 4:30 but I don't know what I'm going to do with myself after that, I predict a tearful evening.
Wednesday I'm heading into PA to check out colleges. I'm not really looking forward to the trip but at least it gets me out of the house and gets my mind on something else. We're really not going to do much there anyway, just drive around the campuses so it's probably not going to be too horrible. Though I do dread the long car ride.
Thursday I have friends coming over for a day of Goospeare! That I'm REALLY looking forward to. The rest of the break, I really have no idea what's going on. I'll most likely post something from here day to day either ranting about the horribly depressing my day was (most likely) or raving about how fantastic it was (probably only Goospeare), and no I don't think there is an in between. Sigh.
We were having fun playing, talking, and laughing and then my mom got snippy. We were playing four handed Pinochle and I was parterned with my aunt and my mom was with my grandfather (my grandmother decided to sit out). My aunt and I needed to make my mom and my grandfather go up in order to stay in the game so we were making little jokes as my mom was dealing like, "even if you have something don't bid" "we're gonna put you up". We always do things like this and its never out of meaness or spite, just a little humor. Well niether my aunt nor I had anything worth anything in our hands so we passed and then my mother and grandfather went up. We were happy, it meant they didn't beat us. Then we won the next hand by a lot and my mom was really mad at me for making those jokes before. She said I was a sore winner and that me and my aunt were playing like cut throats. We repeatedly told her that we had nothing in our hands to bid with and hardly had any meld together but she still insisted on the two things she said before.
I was getting out of my depression for the day, but that certainly ruined it. She made me so mad because she was acting like a complete child. We were just joking and she acted like it was the end of the world. I got really mad and hardly said anything the rest of the night. The only time I said anything was when I was directly spoken to and even then I gave an unemotional and curt answer. I really didn't care much about anything after that. Alright, maybe that was also a childish way to act but I really had no control over it. It's just this stupid state I'm in right now playing horrible emotional games on my mind, spirit, and body.
Well tomorrow I have stuff planned. Well, half of them are plans. First I have my stinkin' allergy shots at 1:15, at least I can listen to Goo which is the only that saves me for that 30 minutes, and then guitar at 3:30 which is always enjoyable. More Goo too, becaause he said he's gonna teach me Iris this week. He said we'd do it last week but he didn't have time to learn it so he promised me for this week. That will keep me occupied until 4:30 but I don't know what I'm going to do with myself after that, I predict a tearful evening.
Wednesday I'm heading into PA to check out colleges. I'm not really looking forward to the trip but at least it gets me out of the house and gets my mind on something else. We're really not going to do much there anyway, just drive around the campuses so it's probably not going to be too horrible. Though I do dread the long car ride.
Thursday I have friends coming over for a day of Goospeare! That I'm REALLY looking forward to. The rest of the break, I really have no idea what's going on. I'll most likely post something from here day to day either ranting about the horribly depressing my day was (most likely) or raving about how fantastic it was (probably only Goospeare), and no I don't think there is an in between. Sigh.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
What Would You Do?
I’m not looking for answers here. Just something that seemed like it might help me. If anyone does read this, however, I ask that you do think about the situations I give you. Most likely you’ve never gone through these things and it might be interesting for you to try and guess what you’d do. You never really know until it happens, though, as I have found out.
Let’s start at the beginning (where else?): What would you do if for the better part of the summer you were often in the bathroom having diarrhea?
I blew it off. It wasn’t constant just off and on. Everyone gets like that sometimes right? I took over the counter stuff and it worked until the next bout. But still, it wasn’t a big deal for me.
What would you do if after the start of school and an after school activity you came home, ate dinner, then threw it all up in the toilet an instant later?
Again, blowing it off. It was a hot day at school and I was tired and I had done a lot. God I even remember the exact date, September 18, 2006. I had come home from a 730 chorus meeting, which I didn’t even stick with, and was eating a really late dinner at about 830. Actually, I was a little upset at first but my mom convinced me that I was just overheated and overtired. I’m not saying its her fault or anything, because I was more than happy to believe her.
What would you do if it persisted almost everyday?
Then we all got scared. Especially me. It was happening to me, ho the hell could I not be scared?! We contacted doctors, of course, but it makes me mad to think that this really made it worse in the long run.
What would you do if your doctors were so sure of what you had and then would change it in the next week?
I was so damn confused. First they told me it was GERD, a form of acid reflux disease, so I was happy and just wanted to get it all away. Then the way the told me to eat and the medicine they told me to use wasn’t working. I went to a different doctor and he was positive it was Celiac disease, which is really a fancy term for allergic to gluten. So ok good, give me the medicine tell me where to get the gluten free food I’m not thrilled, but if it will stop this I’m good with it. Only it didn’t stop. Then the only thing I could do was ask myself: why?
What would you do if you had to be taken to the emergency room in order to meet with a doctor who could actually help you?
This is a longer story. We tried to get appointments with gastroenterologists at hospitals since my condition was quickly declining but everyone had 8 month waiting lists. One day in November we had a dress down day at my Catholic school. Apparently, it was a lot colder than I had judged and the shirt I was wearing wasn’t quit heavy enough. Oh yeah, and one of my teachers had every window open for one of my first period class so I was freezing! I went to my next classes shivering always and my fingers turning blue. I had an algebra quiz that day, though, so I said I’ll take it and then at lunch, which was right after algebra, I’ll go to the nurse and go home. That is exactly what I thought and its scary that I remember my exact thoughts.
So I was really sick. I went home and fell asleep on the lazy-boy chair in front of my big screen TV under a giant comforter still freezing. Then my mom remembered that I had a flu shot scheduled for that day. Obviously, I didn’t want to go but she took me not to get it but to talk about what was going on. When we went the one doctor who I liked out of the two who would see me came in. She had me lay down on the bench and she pressed her hand against my stomach. When she pressed my lower right side I winced and cried out in utter pain. She told my mom that she should take me to the hospital because, though she didn’t think it was, it looked like it could be appendicitis and it would get me in to see the doctor they had recommended.
So I go there and we were waiting in the waiting room for a long time. Then we got into the emergency area and a nurse came into my little clothed off section and handed me a cup and said, “You’re going to have a CAT scan. You need to drink two of these drinks. I know they taste bad, but you have to keep it down or else you’ll start all over again. When you’re done with this I’ll give you your second one.” She also told me that they had put it in apple juice. I always liked apple juice and didn’t think it could really be as bad as she said it would be. Damn, was I wrong. It was the foulest tasting liquid you’d ever drink. I can’t even think of a word to describe its awful taste.
I had the CAT scan and then afterwards the doctor who had the 8 month waiting list came into see us. He told us that he was pretty sure I had Crohn’s disease. He said that it was very rare for a person my age to contract it and I would need to have a colonoscopy to make sure, but he was 99.9% positive it was Crohn’s. I was relieved yet not. Why should this be the right diagnosis this time?
What would you do if the word “food” became synonymous with “liquid”?
How long was I on that stupid liquid diet? I don’t really remember but I know I hated it. First it was just a liquid diet so it was things like cream of whatever soup, ice cream, and anything that wasn’t solid food. Then it was clear liquid and that meant jello and broths were about the only things I could have. I fell apart.
What would you do when there finally seemed to be a light at the end of the tunnel?
It was Crohn’s! That was pretty much my reaction. He was so positive that I was just relieved that it would all finally go away, no matter what it was. Ha! Man, was I stupid!
What would you do if everything started again?
It was Thanksgiving Day. I was still on a liquid, not clear, diet for God knows why. I was on medicine and everything had been going good for a while. I was eating my Cream of Potato soup watching the Thanksgiving Day parade. Suddenly my stomach flipped inside of my gut and I ran to the bathroom but didn’t quit make it in time. I was moved to the living room and given a large pot. The heaves seemed endless. I’d spit up miniscule amounts of phlegm every minute with horrible aftertastes and terrible pain. All the while asking myself and my parents through angry, bitter tears, “Why is this still happening?! Why aren’t I better?! Why didn’t this work?!”
What would you do if all of the sudden it was hard to walk?
Walk? Yeah, that’s right walk. I began to limp. My upper right thigh had this excruciating pain for no reason. I chose to hide it. I was young; I still am but even younger then. I had just gone through hell I didn’t want to do it all over again. However, it reached a point where I couldn’t hide it anymore. We iced it and it seemed to get better and my mom called the doctor but he said not to worry. Shut the hell up Dr. Braindead.
What would you think if you heard the word surgery?
At first, it was mixed feelings. He said that for what I had it might not be necessary and that they would keep me in the hospital a couple more days and then send me home with an oral antibiotic but surgery might be needed in the end. It scared me at first but everyone said that it probably wouldn’t have to happen anyway. I distinctly remember thinking, why don’t you just do it now and get it over with? The way my luck is going I’m going to need it in the end anyhow. Aw, I was intuitive!
What would you do if walking became IMPOSSIBLE?
When my stay at the hospital was over I RAN out of that God forsaken building. I went home and took the meds. They didn’t work to say the least. My leg became unbearable and it had spread to my back as well. By the time I had to go back to the hospital I had to be taken in with a WHEELCHAIR.
What would you do if from then on all they tried to do to help was only causing more pain?
From here on most of the rest of my experience can be lumped together in one file titled CHOP (Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia). First of all, doesn’t a name like CHOP just scream, “This is where I’m going to be healed!”? Everything there was absolutely awful. I had to have a PIC line put in, which is a huge IV that has a tube that get directly plugged into a major artery. They said they gave me pain medicine but I don’t believe that they gave me enough because, even though I was only half there, I was still conscious of my surroundings and felt every God damn thing they did. I had to have more tests. More CAT scans with that stupid drink that I threw up all over my room only to find out that it was fine and that the second cup really wasn’t needed. There was a trip to an MRI where they didn’t have a wheelchair for me and I collapsed in the middle of a hallway. An MRI where they told me to lay flat, which was impossible because it hurt way too much to put my right leg down, don’t move, and tuck you hands under your head and have your elbows sticking up in the air. Then they put a giant plastic cover over my abdomen where something was jabbing right into where my pain was. I went I n the machine the way they told me to and my elbows touched the top of the machine, that’s how tightly in I was packed. They told me I was going to be given a button I could push if I needed to come out but I was given no such device. I was in so much pain in there tha after 45 minutes, apparently, I screamed and cried for someone to get me out. More trials and tribulations such as these occurred until my surgery in June of 2007.
What would you do if even surgery wasn’t the end?
I was given a feeding tube. Something I never want to experience again. It’s fed through your nose down to your stomach and you choke to death all the while it goes down. I had to change it multiple times as well because of throwing up. I went home with that thing for the summer but only ended up using it for the rest of June through mid-July because I puked again and I refused to choke myself to death all over again.
What would you do if all this happened when you were merely 14?
Yeah, what the hell is someone that age supposed to make of all this? I guess I just told you, though, didn’t I?
What would you do if it never went away?
It still haunts me. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about it. It has ruined me and I can’t get over it no matter how hard I try. Though it may not seem like it I really only described half the battle. There’s more to what happened then. There’s more to what’s going on now. It is an interminable war, one which I’m sure I will be defeated in, in the end.
Let’s start at the beginning (where else?): What would you do if for the better part of the summer you were often in the bathroom having diarrhea?
I blew it off. It wasn’t constant just off and on. Everyone gets like that sometimes right? I took over the counter stuff and it worked until the next bout. But still, it wasn’t a big deal for me.
What would you do if after the start of school and an after school activity you came home, ate dinner, then threw it all up in the toilet an instant later?
Again, blowing it off. It was a hot day at school and I was tired and I had done a lot. God I even remember the exact date, September 18, 2006. I had come home from a 730 chorus meeting, which I didn’t even stick with, and was eating a really late dinner at about 830. Actually, I was a little upset at first but my mom convinced me that I was just overheated and overtired. I’m not saying its her fault or anything, because I was more than happy to believe her.
What would you do if it persisted almost everyday?
Then we all got scared. Especially me. It was happening to me, ho the hell could I not be scared?! We contacted doctors, of course, but it makes me mad to think that this really made it worse in the long run.
What would you do if your doctors were so sure of what you had and then would change it in the next week?
I was so damn confused. First they told me it was GERD, a form of acid reflux disease, so I was happy and just wanted to get it all away. Then the way the told me to eat and the medicine they told me to use wasn’t working. I went to a different doctor and he was positive it was Celiac disease, which is really a fancy term for allergic to gluten. So ok good, give me the medicine tell me where to get the gluten free food I’m not thrilled, but if it will stop this I’m good with it. Only it didn’t stop. Then the only thing I could do was ask myself: why?
What would you do if you had to be taken to the emergency room in order to meet with a doctor who could actually help you?
This is a longer story. We tried to get appointments with gastroenterologists at hospitals since my condition was quickly declining but everyone had 8 month waiting lists. One day in November we had a dress down day at my Catholic school. Apparently, it was a lot colder than I had judged and the shirt I was wearing wasn’t quit heavy enough. Oh yeah, and one of my teachers had every window open for one of my first period class so I was freezing! I went to my next classes shivering always and my fingers turning blue. I had an algebra quiz that day, though, so I said I’ll take it and then at lunch, which was right after algebra, I’ll go to the nurse and go home. That is exactly what I thought and its scary that I remember my exact thoughts.
So I was really sick. I went home and fell asleep on the lazy-boy chair in front of my big screen TV under a giant comforter still freezing. Then my mom remembered that I had a flu shot scheduled for that day. Obviously, I didn’t want to go but she took me not to get it but to talk about what was going on. When we went the one doctor who I liked out of the two who would see me came in. She had me lay down on the bench and she pressed her hand against my stomach. When she pressed my lower right side I winced and cried out in utter pain. She told my mom that she should take me to the hospital because, though she didn’t think it was, it looked like it could be appendicitis and it would get me in to see the doctor they had recommended.
So I go there and we were waiting in the waiting room for a long time. Then we got into the emergency area and a nurse came into my little clothed off section and handed me a cup and said, “You’re going to have a CAT scan. You need to drink two of these drinks. I know they taste bad, but you have to keep it down or else you’ll start all over again. When you’re done with this I’ll give you your second one.” She also told me that they had put it in apple juice. I always liked apple juice and didn’t think it could really be as bad as she said it would be. Damn, was I wrong. It was the foulest tasting liquid you’d ever drink. I can’t even think of a word to describe its awful taste.
I had the CAT scan and then afterwards the doctor who had the 8 month waiting list came into see us. He told us that he was pretty sure I had Crohn’s disease. He said that it was very rare for a person my age to contract it and I would need to have a colonoscopy to make sure, but he was 99.9% positive it was Crohn’s. I was relieved yet not. Why should this be the right diagnosis this time?
What would you do if the word “food” became synonymous with “liquid”?
How long was I on that stupid liquid diet? I don’t really remember but I know I hated it. First it was just a liquid diet so it was things like cream of whatever soup, ice cream, and anything that wasn’t solid food. Then it was clear liquid and that meant jello and broths were about the only things I could have. I fell apart.
What would you do when there finally seemed to be a light at the end of the tunnel?
It was Crohn’s! That was pretty much my reaction. He was so positive that I was just relieved that it would all finally go away, no matter what it was. Ha! Man, was I stupid!
What would you do if everything started again?
It was Thanksgiving Day. I was still on a liquid, not clear, diet for God knows why. I was on medicine and everything had been going good for a while. I was eating my Cream of Potato soup watching the Thanksgiving Day parade. Suddenly my stomach flipped inside of my gut and I ran to the bathroom but didn’t quit make it in time. I was moved to the living room and given a large pot. The heaves seemed endless. I’d spit up miniscule amounts of phlegm every minute with horrible aftertastes and terrible pain. All the while asking myself and my parents through angry, bitter tears, “Why is this still happening?! Why aren’t I better?! Why didn’t this work?!”
What would you do if all of the sudden it was hard to walk?
Walk? Yeah, that’s right walk. I began to limp. My upper right thigh had this excruciating pain for no reason. I chose to hide it. I was young; I still am but even younger then. I had just gone through hell I didn’t want to do it all over again. However, it reached a point where I couldn’t hide it anymore. We iced it and it seemed to get better and my mom called the doctor but he said not to worry. Shut the hell up Dr. Braindead.
What would you think if you heard the word surgery?
At first, it was mixed feelings. He said that for what I had it might not be necessary and that they would keep me in the hospital a couple more days and then send me home with an oral antibiotic but surgery might be needed in the end. It scared me at first but everyone said that it probably wouldn’t have to happen anyway. I distinctly remember thinking, why don’t you just do it now and get it over with? The way my luck is going I’m going to need it in the end anyhow. Aw, I was intuitive!
What would you do if walking became IMPOSSIBLE?
When my stay at the hospital was over I RAN out of that God forsaken building. I went home and took the meds. They didn’t work to say the least. My leg became unbearable and it had spread to my back as well. By the time I had to go back to the hospital I had to be taken in with a WHEELCHAIR.
What would you do if from then on all they tried to do to help was only causing more pain?
From here on most of the rest of my experience can be lumped together in one file titled CHOP (Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia). First of all, doesn’t a name like CHOP just scream, “This is where I’m going to be healed!”? Everything there was absolutely awful. I had to have a PIC line put in, which is a huge IV that has a tube that get directly plugged into a major artery. They said they gave me pain medicine but I don’t believe that they gave me enough because, even though I was only half there, I was still conscious of my surroundings and felt every God damn thing they did. I had to have more tests. More CAT scans with that stupid drink that I threw up all over my room only to find out that it was fine and that the second cup really wasn’t needed. There was a trip to an MRI where they didn’t have a wheelchair for me and I collapsed in the middle of a hallway. An MRI where they told me to lay flat, which was impossible because it hurt way too much to put my right leg down, don’t move, and tuck you hands under your head and have your elbows sticking up in the air. Then they put a giant plastic cover over my abdomen where something was jabbing right into where my pain was. I went I n the machine the way they told me to and my elbows touched the top of the machine, that’s how tightly in I was packed. They told me I was going to be given a button I could push if I needed to come out but I was given no such device. I was in so much pain in there tha after 45 minutes, apparently, I screamed and cried for someone to get me out. More trials and tribulations such as these occurred until my surgery in June of 2007.
What would you do if even surgery wasn’t the end?
I was given a feeding tube. Something I never want to experience again. It’s fed through your nose down to your stomach and you choke to death all the while it goes down. I had to change it multiple times as well because of throwing up. I went home with that thing for the summer but only ended up using it for the rest of June through mid-July because I puked again and I refused to choke myself to death all over again.
What would you do if all this happened when you were merely 14?
Yeah, what the hell is someone that age supposed to make of all this? I guess I just told you, though, didn’t I?
What would you do if it never went away?
It still haunts me. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about it. It has ruined me and I can’t get over it no matter how hard I try. Though it may not seem like it I really only described half the battle. There’s more to what happened then. There’s more to what’s going on now. It is an interminable war, one which I’m sure I will be defeated in, in the end.
What the Hell?
What the hell is wrong with me? What the hell is going on with me? Why the hell is this happening to me? Why the hell do I feel like this?
Questions I ask myself almost everyday. I have no reason to be depressed, angry, or anything like that, yet I always seem to be. First of all, I know I don't have a crappy life in the least. I have a family, pets, everything I could ever want or need. I KNOW all this. The thing is, somehow it isn't enough for me. You think I want to feel like this? You think I'm purposely doing this? We'll you're DEAD WRONG. I have a lot of good in my life, but I can't focus on it. I think about the bad and I dwell on it. Why? Why don't you tell me! I have no idea! All I know is that I cry myself to sleep almost every single night of my life ever since that time. That time in my life that I have renamed "The Fallout". That time in my life that gives me reason to relate to these words of John Rzeznik, "Scars are souvenirs you never lose. The past is never far." What is that time? That time is when I was in and out of hospitals for half a year of my life.
The past is never far. Truer words have never been spoken. (or sung in this case) People tell me to live in the now. Well, that's helpful! How the hell can I live in the now? You can't just forget about a time in your life that has destroyed your spirit. It's always there around you. You close your eyes and poof! your back where you started. It's ingrained in your memory, mind, and spirit and there is no escaping.
There is no way of escaping, yet that is exactly what I need. I need to forget, but I can't. It is a physical impossibility. How the hell can I forget when there is nothing else to think about? How the hell can I live in the now or the moment when the now and the moment consist of absolutely nothing? More quotes! "All day, staring at the ceiling making friends with shadows on my wall. All night, hearing voices telling me that I should get some sleep cause tomorrow might be good for something. Hold on, I feel like I'm headed for a breakdown but I don't know why" Unwell - Matchbox 20. I feel like this is what my life has come to consist of. I do the same thing every God damn day of my life and it has become to mean nothing anymore. Guitar, TV, music, computer, writing. Nothing is anything. Everything is nothing. It has all lost its meaning and I can't take it anymore.
I need to do something. I need to talk to someone. I just need something to get me out of this utter abyss of nothingness! I have friends but what the hell kind of friend would I be to inflict my troubles on them? (I do that to my Goo friends and I feel absolutely horrible about it) Sure there's my parents, easy way out right? WRONG! My brother is going through problems and driving my parents crazy with his depression. What the hell would they say if I came to them like this? How the hell can I inflict more suffering on them? I need help, a way out but I don't know how to find either.
You can't imagine the horrific images flowing through my mind in just the past day. Ropes around my neck, guns in my mouth, blades across my throat. When they first started a long time ago they used to intimidate me, scare me. Not anymore. They've become so frequent I brush them off as normal. No, it's more than that, I want it. That means this would all be over. There'd be no more worrying, no more pain, no more dreading, no more sleepless nights, no more tears, no more of anything that is making my life a living hell right now. I want them, and I know its not right.
Sometimes I want them, but others........I think it's a way out. It's the only way out I can see. If there is another way I'd tske it if shown to me. I need help, I need rescue! Someone show me the way God dammit!
Questions I ask myself almost everyday. I have no reason to be depressed, angry, or anything like that, yet I always seem to be. First of all, I know I don't have a crappy life in the least. I have a family, pets, everything I could ever want or need. I KNOW all this. The thing is, somehow it isn't enough for me. You think I want to feel like this? You think I'm purposely doing this? We'll you're DEAD WRONG. I have a lot of good in my life, but I can't focus on it. I think about the bad and I dwell on it. Why? Why don't you tell me! I have no idea! All I know is that I cry myself to sleep almost every single night of my life ever since that time. That time in my life that I have renamed "The Fallout". That time in my life that gives me reason to relate to these words of John Rzeznik, "Scars are souvenirs you never lose. The past is never far." What is that time? That time is when I was in and out of hospitals for half a year of my life.
The past is never far. Truer words have never been spoken. (or sung in this case) People tell me to live in the now. Well, that's helpful! How the hell can I live in the now? You can't just forget about a time in your life that has destroyed your spirit. It's always there around you. You close your eyes and poof! your back where you started. It's ingrained in your memory, mind, and spirit and there is no escaping.
There is no way of escaping, yet that is exactly what I need. I need to forget, but I can't. It is a physical impossibility. How the hell can I forget when there is nothing else to think about? How the hell can I live in the now or the moment when the now and the moment consist of absolutely nothing? More quotes! "All day, staring at the ceiling making friends with shadows on my wall. All night, hearing voices telling me that I should get some sleep cause tomorrow might be good for something. Hold on, I feel like I'm headed for a breakdown but I don't know why" Unwell - Matchbox 20. I feel like this is what my life has come to consist of. I do the same thing every God damn day of my life and it has become to mean nothing anymore. Guitar, TV, music, computer, writing. Nothing is anything. Everything is nothing. It has all lost its meaning and I can't take it anymore.
I need to do something. I need to talk to someone. I just need something to get me out of this utter abyss of nothingness! I have friends but what the hell kind of friend would I be to inflict my troubles on them? (I do that to my Goo friends and I feel absolutely horrible about it) Sure there's my parents, easy way out right? WRONG! My brother is going through problems and driving my parents crazy with his depression. What the hell would they say if I came to them like this? How the hell can I inflict more suffering on them? I need help, a way out but I don't know how to find either.
You can't imagine the horrific images flowing through my mind in just the past day. Ropes around my neck, guns in my mouth, blades across my throat. When they first started a long time ago they used to intimidate me, scare me. Not anymore. They've become so frequent I brush them off as normal. No, it's more than that, I want it. That means this would all be over. There'd be no more worrying, no more pain, no more dreading, no more sleepless nights, no more tears, no more of anything that is making my life a living hell right now. I want them, and I know its not right.
Sometimes I want them, but others........I think it's a way out. It's the only way out I can see. If there is another way I'd tske it if shown to me. I need help, I need rescue! Someone show me the way God dammit!
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