Here I am again, as I always am. I talked to my brother the other day, online, about this and now I'm even more confused and more emotionally imbalanced. At first he made me feel like I could go to my parents but I just don't believe that anymore. I've been through this with them before and they are sooooo harmful! Well, mostly my dad is just super worried and confused and just doesn't know what to do so doesn't really say anything exactly helpful or harmful. My mom is a whole other story though. She gets sooooo involved! I've gone to her before in tears and she doesn't, usually, suggest, "let's get someone to help you" it's always, "I'm going to make you better." No, she doesn't literally say that but that what she tries to do. Whenever I tell her about all the things that I hate about my life, am terrified about for the future, or just can't stand anymore she just tells me the same crap she always does. She thinks saying these things over and over again will work but it sure as hell doesn't. And after these instances became more frequent she just seemed fed up withe them. Like she just wants me to shut up and deal with it and leave her out of it.
I'm convinced this will happen all over again. I'm also convinced they know what's going on with me right now and are refusing to address it or just plain don't care about it. I've been blasting music and singing along in tears frequently, I noisily cry myself to sleep almost every night in my bedroom, I hardly say anything to them anymore, I mean how oblivious can people be?! I think they figure that if I don't want to come to them about it then its not worth discussing, or maybe its just easier to let me do this on my own. I don't want to talk to them. I don't want to have their annoyed and/or overprotective reactions. And if they don't fucking care, fine screw them!
Oh yeah and then something my brother told me really sent me reeling. As I said he's depressed lately. Well the other night he called us and we was totally crazed. I hadn't talked to him but my parents were and they apparently were scared for his life. My dad had to go to his house and my mom constantly had him on the phone. I was an absolute wreck that night but whenever my mom got the chance she'd tell me to stop crying he's just overreacting and blowing it all out of proportion, it's ok. At one point during the night my mom asked if he wanted to speak to me. I didn't want to, I was sobbing like mad and I had absolutely no idea what to say to him. I had no choice in the matter though because she handed me the phone anyway. I was basically crying into the phone the whole god damn time with little things in between. So as we were talking the other night and I got into all that I've been seeing/feeling/thinking he tells me something. He said that when he heard how upset I was on the phone that night it was the only thing that kept him from doing what he was going to do. WHAT THE FUCK?! I was perfectly fine with my understanding of the situation prior to this: he was upset but we all talked him through it and he's getting help. I mean, by the things he said to me on the phone I always thought I helped more and might have prevented something but I was just putting that off as ego. I DIDN'T HAVE TO KNOW HE WAS ACTUALLY GOING TO DO SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!! I started sobbing like mad when he sad that. It hurt so much to know that he was actually planning on doing something. I was so mad, confused, hurt, basically everything except for the happy-like emotions.
So now I'm even more fucked up then I was before. I just don't see the point anymore. I've talked of the thoughts of suicides before, but whenever I have them I realize I would never do them. I am too much of a coward. I couldn't do it to myself, I just want it to be done to me. I told my brother that too and he said that its a good thing to be cowardly in this situation. That really got me thinking. Why? Why the hell is it such a god damn good thing? What the hell does life have to offer me? What the hell does it all mean in the end anyway? What is so important about life that it is necessary to go through all this torturous hell? I try to look ahead to my future and I really don't see anything. I can't imagine myself happy in anything. I can't see myself going through college well. I can't see myself enjoying any kind of work I might come into. I can't see myself finding love because no one in the world who could possibly understand my fucked up self or want to deal with me. What the hell do we even go through all of this? We act like everything in our lives is so fucking important but how could it be? We're all going to reach the same end and when we get there none of this is going to mean anything. So tell me, what the fuck's the point? What the fuck is so important?
I really don't want to go to a psychologist again either. I've had three already and they did basically nothing for me. The first one I had when I was in the hospital and I absolutely hated her. She was so into herself and was constantly judging me. The next one I went to I liked but the whole thing died fast. I talked to her about things the first few times but then I just didn't feel like there was anything to say. It's not that I didn't have problems anymore, its just that I couldn't think of things to say when I was there or couldn't find a way to open up to her. The last guy I had I hated, though not as much as my first one. The only reason I stayed with him as long as I did was becasue he had a therapy dog with him. The days when he didn't have his dog were awful. I don't really know what it was, he just never seemed to help with anything I wanted him to help me with. Then he was really judgmental as well. Its so awful that you have to go through all this shit to get help. Another reason why I don't want to see a psychologist is a problem I've had since the beginning: I don't want to talk to a fucking stranger about the inner workings of my screwed up mind. Who are they to know? To care? How can they know what to do? Why should I listen to them anyway?
Err I'm just really mad right now. I'm not sure if this writing things out is helping or not yet. I still feel like breaking everything in my sight. (That's a weird side effect I have with all of this) God my life is a fucking waste.
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