Dysentery Gary

Am I making something out of nothing? Yeah, probably. That's right, I KNOW that. It's just I can't see past it. This break pretty all around sucked. Yes I had some good times with friends with friends and family but most of it wasn't much at all. It was just basically crying and worrying. I can't remember the last time my stomach wasn't in a knot. I always have something to dwell over on my mind. School, future, past, parents, anything. I just am so fucked up right now. Nothing makes it better, and I don't think anything can make it better. I try to just relax and be me and do the things I want to do but the world doesn't permit me that pleasure. What makes it even worse is my mother. When I think I can get away from all my thoughts and worries at dinner when we're at the table or late at night when we watch TV together I realize how wrong I am. Anytime she opens her mouth its just to stress me out more. Always asking about school and all my work for it, there's more but that's the biggest thing. How come my mom has to care about that? I stress myself out enough myself with it I don't need her jumping down my throat. She doesn't care about anything else in my life why does school matter so much? Why is it all she has to talk about with me?

God she makes me so angry! She always complains that I don't tell her enough. You know what, I don't tell her a lot but that's no one's fault but her own. If it's something I want to tell her and just go right out and say it, she hardly listens. She'll smile and nod and then in a millisecond go to a topic she wants to talk about. If it's something I'm not sure if I should tell her or not but finally work up the courage to tell her she gets so involved or over-reactive. I always regret telling her the things that I question before saying, it always ends up in a fight. Why should I tell her anything with those reactions?

Wow, I've been in this funk for about two weeks now. NEW RECORD!!!! The funny thing is it skipped over its usual time and started when I should be fine and has just become never ending. I'm not looking forward to this weekend. But then again, who the hell knows? Maybe I'll be all perky this time, I have a feeling I'll just be worse this time around though. Why can't I get out of it this time? I'm kind of longing for that cycle right now. At least then I would have a few days of peace between these awful depressions. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Where am I going? What am I doing? What's the point? God I'm so confused and lost. "Life just sucks...I'm giving up........Fuck this place."