What the Hell?

What the hell is wrong with me? What the hell is going on with me? Why the hell is this happening to me? Why the hell do I feel like this?

Questions I ask myself almost everyday. I have no reason to be depressed, angry, or anything like that, yet I always seem to be. First of all, I know I don't have a crappy life in the least. I have a family, pets, everything I could ever want or need. I KNOW all this. The thing is, somehow it isn't enough for me. You think I want to feel like this? You think I'm purposely doing this? We'll you're DEAD WRONG. I have a lot of good in my life, but I can't focus on it. I think about the bad and I dwell on it. Why? Why don't you tell me! I have no idea! All I know is that I cry myself to sleep almost every single night of my life ever since that time. That time in my life that I have renamed "The Fallout". That time in my life that gives me reason to relate to these words of John Rzeznik, "Scars are souvenirs you never lose. The past is never far." What is that time? That time is when I was in and out of hospitals for half a year of my life.

The past is never far. Truer words have never been spoken. (or sung in this case) People tell me to live in the now. Well, that's helpful! How the hell can I live in the now? You can't just forget about a time in your life that has destroyed your spirit. It's always there around you. You close your eyes and poof! your back where you started. It's ingrained in your memory, mind, and spirit and there is no escaping.

There is no way of escaping, yet that is exactly what I need. I need to forget, but I can't. It is a physical impossibility. How the hell can I forget when there is nothing else to think about? How the hell can I live in the now or the moment when the now and the moment consist of absolutely nothing? More quotes! "All day, staring at the ceiling making friends with shadows on my wall. All night, hearing voices telling me that I should get some sleep cause tomorrow might be good for something. Hold on, I feel like I'm headed for a breakdown but I don't know why" Unwell - Matchbox 20. I feel like this is what my life has come to consist of. I do the same thing every God damn day of my life and it has become to mean nothing anymore. Guitar, TV, music, computer, writing. Nothing is anything. Everything is nothing. It has all lost its meaning and I can't take it anymore.

I need to do something. I need to talk to someone. I just need something to get me out of this utter abyss of nothingness! I have friends but what the hell kind of friend would I be to inflict my troubles on them? (I do that to my Goo friends and I feel absolutely horrible about it) Sure there's my parents, easy way out right? WRONG! My brother is going through problems and driving my parents crazy with his depression. What the hell would they say if I came to them like this? How the hell can I inflict more suffering on them? I need help, a way out but I don't know how to find either.

You can't imagine the horrific images flowing through my mind in just the past day. Ropes around my neck, guns in my mouth, blades across my throat. When they first started a long time ago they used to intimidate me, scare me. Not anymore. They've become so frequent I brush them off as normal. No, it's more than that, I want it. That means this would all be over. There'd be no more worrying, no more pain, no more dreading, no more sleepless nights, no more tears, no more of anything that is making my life a living hell right now. I want them, and I know its not right.

Sometimes I want them, but others........I think it's a way out. It's the only way out I can see. If there is another way I'd tske it if shown to me. I need help, I need rescue! Someone show me the way God dammit!