Ugh. Yesterday was so perfect. And today is so NOT. And I'm so sick of it.
Nothing is easy. Especially not this. It's not even just, 'we'll change your meds and you'll be fine' thing anymore. It's, "well, you'll have to come back to the hospital every so often for this one med, then we can put you on the other one, and we'll see how it goes.' (Well, actually the doc is still saying that, 'you'll be fine' bullshit but I didn't believe her when it first happened and I certainly don't believe her now.) Then, she tries to sugarcoat everything by saying the results of the biopsy were fine, nothing but those ulcers by my incision sight. Well, excuse me for thinking that those ulcers are more than enough for me to handle right now. In addition, now I have to go to CHOP for a certain time period, just because the insurance people are fighting with us?! I don't live in Philly, hell I don't even live in PA! It's gonna be a God damn 2 hour drive in, probably at least a half hour of waiting once I get there, get stuck with an IV and be pumped medicine in me for ?2 hours? (I heard talk of 2 hours when my mom was on the phone with the doc but am not exactly sure what it pertained to), and then another 2 hour drive back. And it has some crazy time schedule too. Something like once a week for the first 3 weeks, then every 2 for some odd amount of time, then after 2 months, then six months..............then the expensive drug.
I'm so damn tired of this shit. This give and take, push and pull, happy one day and crashing for the next week. This is not right. This shouldn't even be happening now, dammit!
Crap, this could have been thrown at someone 100x stronger than I am. Not that I wish this on anyone, no one on the face of the earth deserves this shit, but why me? I'm not Lance Armstrong, dammit. I'm not strong, I'm not brave, I couldn't handle it before, I can't handle it now, and I never will be able to handle it. I'm not an optimistic person. I'm not someone who can just say, 'oh everything will be fine, I can fight through this, it'll all work out in the end' no matter how much I wanna be. I try.........God dammit I REALLY try...............but every time I do start thinking like that something will happen to bring me back down, or my mind just doesn't let me keep that attitude long.
I've been living a gigantic lie for two years. Thinking that this would all just disappear except for a recheck every 6 months and actually trying to enjoy my life. No. This NEVER goes away. It is and will ALWAYS be there. There will always be something. Ugh.
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